i am sorry you thought this was going to be a sincere apology when all this was ever destined to be was a nice picture of an aardvark.

disappointment (apology)

Sometimes I coordinate workplace behavioral studies. For instance, it is possible to stimulate the amygdala, or the 'panic' center of the brain, merely by setting ordinary office equipment on fire. I then write copious notes on how my co-workers react. Because that's how much I want to be a scientist. This apology card should be sent after the firemen turn off the automatic sprinkler system.
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Creative Unease

On the upper floor of my house I have a large room furnished with a single persian rug that I call The Dojo of Deprivation. On the outside of the door I have a sign that says: "Kris's room. The Dojo of Deprivation. Keep out." And two skulls and crossbones f... read more

Where, What and How

People often say to me: 'Kris, why are you walking around clutching a jar full of wasps to your chest?' And I just say, 'I'm befriending them in case of a wasp plague.' It feels nice when people worry about me. Lately it has been pointed out that very littl... read more

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You think you have problems. My Sims are trapped inside a burning house and someone has bricked up the doors. Life can be so sad.

life can be so sad (cheer up)

Sometimes I play this videogame called The Sims and the little people keep having emotional breakdowns and wind up defecating in their neighbor's kitchens at 3am, or entering other Sim's bedrooms to watch them make-out while they daydream about nachos. God is playing 7 billion games of The Sims. Man, that sure is a lot of thoughts about nachos. see card
If our managers care about workplace morale as much as they say they do, then why havent they thrown themselves out of a window?

its all lies (workplace)

Some of my closest friends are managers. It's a perfectly respectable job, especially for people who are unable to do anything else. And I get along fine with managers, once they've learned how much easier it is to not ask me questions, like: 'what is it you do here, Kris?' or 'why won't you give me back those compromising photos?' On the whole I'd be bored without them. see card
I'm not half as sexually adventurous as Mr Sock.

not half so adventurous (flirting)

May 9th is National Lost Sock Memorial Day. I believe that every washing machine manufactured after 1963 was designed to eat precisely one sock per month, just to keep everybody in the consumer world a little off-balance. So where do all the socks go? They're sacrificed, with noble intent, for our collective unease. It's a religion I'm starting. And, of course, I'll be taking donations... see card
Cheer up. Trust me, somewhere out there, alone and afraid in the woods, a clown is suffering.

shadowy truth (cheer up)

People sometimes feel bad about things and I blame the media, and also spider monkeys. Everybody puts such an emphasis on bad things happening everywhere but a lot of good things happen that don't get reported on. Each year thousands of circus clowns go missing. If you happen to have information about clown disappearances near you, remember: discretion is everything. see card
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