Even though I've played every Grand Theft Auto game to death, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts still refuses to issue me with a driver's license. And while I will concede that I don't know how to drive a car, why are they singling ME out?! Whatever. I'm over it. If you ever ride public transport in Boston and hear an Australian guy talking about garden gnomes, come over and say hi...
Anteaters were once thought to be related to aardvarks but they turned out to be related to sloths and armadillos. I have never seem an anteater but I've seen several wombats. Anteaters aren't related to wombats but I don't see any reason why they wouldn't get along. Today's re-hash Wednesday card is dedicated to any anteater reading this.
I'm going to go ahead and admit that there aren't many Family Wrongcards yet. Ever since my own family died in an unsuspicious fire that happened while I was on the other side of town making a speech in front of several eyewitnesses, I don't like to think about family. Still, you have to admit it's an institution. And it's incredibly beautiful, the way it dances. Sometimes I think fire is a god.
In the workplace I'm quiet and keep to myself unless I'm engaged in workplace activism like organizing lunchtime hunger-strikes for a Free Tibet or for Free Bagels, or petitioning for departmental cage fights. I got the janitors to go on strike. That's right, they're not taking any more rubbish. Just a little joke. Sometimes I'm not very serious.
I went to work once this year and three days later I came down with the Boston Hipster Flu. I call it the Boston Hipster Flu because we knew all about it before you even heard of it. You know those people who turn up to work with the flu? We're not allowed to murder them, I checked. Today's re-hash Wednesday card is dedicated to the infected.
Love makes us great! Example: if Lance Armstrong hadn't been so in love with fame and money he wouldn't have frauded his way to a 100+ million dollar fortune. See? That's not logic, that's romance! Like Lance I'm a wildly romantic person too, though it's tempered with a sensible streak of feminism so when on a date I let the chick buy my meal. I also haven't cried on Oprah yet but I'll get to that.
It's a good rule of thumb that you should always be nice to other people or else they won't give you a piece of cake on their birthdays. You can elect not to be nice and instead sneak into their houses and eat their cake while they're sleeping but take it from me, Cake Burgling is not the caper-filled dream job that we all grew up hoping it would be. So be nice to people today, okay? And send this card to someone!
Whenever I apologize to someone I always try to make it sound heartfelt and sincere. I believe the best way of sounding heartfelt and sincere is the employment of a giraffe sock puppet. If you don't own one, ask the person to whom you are apologizing to simply imagine you have one on your hand. You should also warn them that the giraffe is a bit 'bitey'. Just in case your apology isn't good enough for them.
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