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job description workplace ecards

At least 45 percent of my unwritten job description is the concealment of exasperation.
In the workplace I'm quiet and keep to myself unless I'm engaged in workplace activism like organizing lunchtime hunger-strikes for a Free Tibet or for Free Bagels, or petitioning for departmental cage fights. I got the janitors to go on strike. That's right, they're not taking any more rubbish. Just a little joke. Sometimes I'm not very serious.
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presenteeism workplace ecards

Thank you for coming into work sick and giving us all Avian/Swine Flu while bravely showing us all what a trooper you are.
I went to work once this year and three days later I came down with the Boston Hipster Flu. I call it the Boston Hipster Flu because we knew all about it before you even heard of it. You know those people who turn up to work with the flu? We're not allowed to murder them, I checked. Today's re-hash Wednesday card is dedicated to the infected.
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guilty romance ecards

I can tell that I love you by the way I like to make you feel guilty about bullshit.
Love makes us great! Example: if Lance Armstrong hadn't been so in love with fame and money he wouldn't have frauded his way to a 100+ million dollar fortune. See? That's not logic, that's romance! Like Lance I'm a wildly romantic person too, though it's tempered with a sensible streak of feminism so when on a date I let the chick buy my meal. I also haven't cried on Oprah yet but I'll get to that.
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the one with the rat birthday ecards

In accordance with some societal conventions that I surmised all by myself, I am sending you a card with the words HAPPY BIRTHDAY written on it. Here is a picture of a dead rat. Clip art is expensive.
It's a good rule of thumb that you should always be nice to other people or else they won't give you a piece of cake on their birthdays. You can elect not to be nice and instead sneak into their houses and eat their cake while they're sleeping but take it from me, Cake Burgling is not the caper-filled dream job that we all grew up hoping it would be. So be nice to people today, okay? And send this card to someone!
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hallucinated apology ecards

I am sorry you got angry at me when I contradicted your hallucinated version of reality.
Whenever I apologize to someone I always try to make it sound heartfelt and sincere. I believe the best way of sounding heartfelt and sincere is the employment of a giraffe sock puppet. If you don't own one, ask the person to whom you are apologizing to simply imagine you have one on your hand. You should also warn them that the giraffe is a bit 'bitey'. Just in case your apology isn't good enough for them.
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god of fire TGIF ecards

Thank God it's Friday and nobody's desk mysteriously caught fire.
Sometimes I like to re-evaluate myself as an individual and, when I do, I like to give myself 10 out of 10 for self-critical-ness. I'm a simple guy who always tells the truth except if I don't feel like it or get carried away, which is pretty rare but it does happen when I'm at George Clooney's place. I'm not his coolest friend but he's like, 'Kris - you're in my top three'. So that's why I'm happy today.
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chinese new years happy new year ecards

Late again with the New Years Celebrations, China? Don't worry about the dragons. If you look closely you'll see they have people inside of them.
It's January and many of us are thinking about putting aside some time to maybe do some serious thinking about our procrastination problems. Interesting fact: most of the people in the world haven't even celebrated the New Year yet. China, if the Mayans taught us anything, it's the value of not using a confusing calendar.
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2012 happy new year ecards

Here's to surviving the new year with the knowledge.
I had a lot of goals this year. Disproving alchemy. Giving someone a brain aneurysm using only logic. Overcoming my habit of stealing zoo animals whenever I feel sad. Anyway. I didn't achieve any of my goals. I was right about knowing how to survive the Mayan Apocalypse though so that's cool. Happy New Years, peoples!
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