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Mother's Day should be renamed to Anna Jarvis Day. Let me explain.

Episode: #5

Pay attention up the back; I am about to school you on some history.

Alright, people. Let’s all settle down. Another of those corporate-infused guilt-trip holidays is about to go tiptoeing past us in great, over-sized stompy boots. They call it Mothers Day, but I’d like to rename it Anna Jarvis Day. Let me tell you why.

Anna Jarvis created Mother’s Day, back around 1908. She thought it was high time we all did something nice to honour mothers. Good on her, right? About time, and all that. Anyway, years and years later, she was sitting in a department store cafeteria in Philadelphia, feeling a mite peckish, when suddenly she noticed they were selling special Mother’s Day Salads. She bought one of the salads, paid for it, then dumped it on the floor and walked out in disgust. No, really. I don’t need to make this stuff up. Anna Jarvis spent the rest of her life campaigning for the abolishment of Mother’s Day, on the grounds that it had become a crass consumer holiday.

So I would like for us to rename this holiday Anna Jarvis Day, in solidarity with her, and everyone else who has tried to make people’s lives better, only to have corporations get involved in some ruinous way or other. Anna Jarvis Day, celebrating strong women! Why shouldn’t society celebrate strong women? Or, how about ‘people who do the right and difficult thing’, amid the multitude who are taking the easier route, for the sake of seeming to be ‘nice’?

(Unfortunately, if we do manage to turn Mother’s Day into Anna Jarvis Day, we should all brace ourselves for the inevitable arrival of Anna Jarvis gift cards, chocolates, flower wreathes, and Anna Jarvis Limited Edition Commemorative Dinner Plates, but one major societal change at a time, people.)

Wait. Why am I always so down on corporations, when the nice man on the television says corporations are our friends? I don’t know. Badly raised, I suppose.

You know, I’ve written two novels now, and through this weekend I am discounting them to the equivalent of $0.99 US cents each. And I’m not telling anyone except newsletter subscribers, so get on that. There are sample chapters at my blog, but I’d particularly recommend the chapter about a visit to a psychiatrist. If you remotely appreciate Wrongcards, it will knock your socks off.

Speaking of Wrongcards, here’s some Mother’s Day cards for you to not send to your mother. Bless her heart, how is she getting along? Best wishes to her, and you, of course. Hope you both have a happy Anna Jarvis Day.

I know you wanted me to give you my heart but can I give you someone elses instead? It's just that I'm using mine at the moment. Happy Valentines Day Either Way

hearts interchangeable

People often say to me, 'Kris, you're too romantic'. Not in real life, of course, but inside my mind. I'm pleased to say that much of what is said inside my mind is complimentary. I do feel some antipathy towards geese, however, but otherwise I feel I am on good-terms with the world; I both like and understand the world. But I will never understand why you people keep celebrating Valentines Day.
I don't understand the basic point of Valentines Day so let's instead admire this picture of a penguin holding an ice cream.

penguin with ice cream

Ever since 2003 ice cream has been a sad topic for me. You see, that year a girl asked to share my ice cream and unwittingly, I consented. I lost 46% of my bowl of ice cream that day. Tragedy - always lurking in the wings...
If you think about it, there's nothing sexier than an octopus.

sexy octopus

Well, I wrote a book and it turns out that everybody who knows me will only read it if I suggest THEY'RE in the book (narcissism is rampant these days. SAD!) So I just hint that they only turn up in this one very tasteful sex scene with an octopus, and off they go to buy my book! Works a charm. It's all nonsense - little kids could read my book - but the point is, wow I'm a marketing god.
Thank you for coming into work sick and giving us all Avian/Swine Flu while bravely showing us all what a trooper you are.


Planet Earth has been a blast lately. On the positive side, everybody has jumped on the 'Socially Isolating Yourself' bandwagon; guys, I've actually been doing that my entire life! I even built an entire website to help people become more socially isolated. You can just share cards like this with people and you're done. You don't even need to pretend to sell Essential Oils any more.
The covers of two novels, The Harvard Skull Fiasco and Rise of the Blue Bandicoot

The Blue Bandicoot Series

The plan was simple; steal the world’s most famous skull and tell no more than 37 close friends and co-workers.
Picture of Kris

Ginger Scones for the Apocalypse

Here it is, my family recipe, and the source of the blood feud between my Scottish and Gypsy grandmothers.
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