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Ecard text: Merry Christmas. Good children receive gifts from Santa and bad children get eaten by the Christmas Leopard. Look - don't get angry at me, I don't make up the rules.
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The problem with Christmas is that children are too confident about the whole thing. They're tottering around all cool and jaded, basically because you never taught them to fear Krampus the Christmas Demon. So thanks to your bad parenting kids don't believe in demons and now they're out of control! Well, don't worry - I can help you out. Sure, they don't believe in demons but you know something they do believe in? Leopards. You're welcome.



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Ecard text: Everybody knows that without me you probably would have been eaten by leopards by now.
It's a terrible thing to be unappreciated. When you are the very glue that holds everyone around you together, you can't expect a thanks, praise or ice-cream. But sometimes it might help to remind your friends and family how integral you are to the structural integrity of their lives.
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Mothers Day cards

Ecard text: Happy Mother's Day. Thank you for turning me into a fully functional, mature adult capable of determining right from wrong. These turtles are having sex.
Anna Jarvis, the creator of Mothers Day, was so appalled by the commercialization of the holiday that she later protested it and organized boycotts. That's why our cards match the true, original spirit of Mother's Day - we never court mass appeal or pander to the market. Example: just look at the badly behaving turtles in this card. Wrongcards: principles before profit.
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Christmas cards

Ecard text: merry christmas. dear Santa, all I want this year is a leg of your finest venison. Dancer or Prancer is ok but not Rudolf cause he is some kind of genetic freak.
The song 'I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus' offers a pretty sinister implication when you believe in Santa. When I was a little kid, thinking about this man carrying on with some kid's mum was pretty distressing. Sure, he's a notorious 'reverse burglar', but what's his deal with messing about with other kid's mums? It's understandable then that when other kids got better presents than me, it did kind of change my attitude towards their mothers. In unrelated news, for some reason I wasn't invited to Christmas parties as a child either.
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WTF cards

Ecard text: The great benefit to exclusively having sex with an octopus is that it won't live long enough for you both to reach that 'rocky' phase of the relationship.
Lately a lot of people have been assuming I was dead. It's strange how a man can't paint himself a greenish hue and lay about near busy intersections without everyone making weird assumptions. Now you might think of vampires as a sort of sublimated necrophiliac rape fantasy but that doesn't make them any less creepy. Today's card contains an octopus. The mention of vampires was just randomness.
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