WTF Ecard with text: Dude we really should have read the descriptions when choosing our deity.

3 Jul 2008

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sexy octopus

Well, I wrote a book and it turns out that everybody who knows me will only read it if I suggest THEY'RE in the book (narcissism is rampant these days. SAD!) So I just hint that they only turn up in this one very tasteful sex scene with an octopus, and off they go to buy my book! Works a charm. It's all nonsense - little kids could read my book - but the point is, wow I'm a marketing god.

Valentines

Christmas Ecard with text: One thing that really sucked about Jesus life was having to get his birthday presents AND Christmas presents on the same day each year.

Jesus birthday

I'm kind of a Spiritual Expert. Answers to big theological questions, like, 'how much eggnog should ideally be consumed with a vindaloo curry', or 'which house is the easiest to steal a Christmas tree from' are easy for me. And I'm good at Christmas too; I love setting deer traps on the roof, I love putting out cookies and absinthe for Santa. BTW when Jesus comes back I'm sending him this card.

Christmas

paternity

Oh my god, the department stores have put up Christmas decorations already. Every year it's earlier and earlier. Civilized people like you and me understand that Christmas shopping starts on Christmas Eve, and in a heightened state of panic mingled with resentment and lots of mental swearing. You know what's ironic? I bet Jesus' parents didn't even celebrate Christmas.

Christmas

St Patricks's Day Ecard with text: Let's celebrate St Patricks Day by dividing into two teams along arbitrary religious lines and then beating each other senseless.

irish brawl

I'm not saying that St. Patricks Day is a conspiracy perpetrated by Irish brewing countries in league with a cartel of manufacturers of green food coloring. No wait a minute, that IS what I'm trying to say. Sorry, there's something about this holiday that gets me all muddled. It might possibly be the alcohol speaking. Look, I'm very good at research.

St Patricks's Day

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