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Ecard text: Thank you for turning me into one of those mysterious people who never talk about their families.
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I believe that families should always communicate. This can, however, be a challenge when your only apparent relative is dead. Even though my Nanna isn't with us anymore, conversations with her can get a bit one-sided; it's hard to get a word in edgewise over her demented shrieking and wailing. My advice: when a loved-one dies, do not hire a witch doctor to be a funeral director.



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Ecard text: I like that you have a personality, but feel it might be more convenient if you disassembled it into three boxes labeled anger, repression and resentment, and then spent the rest of your life uncontentiously affirming my world view.
I was raised by my Nanna, a sort of road-side shaman who drank a lot alcohol-based solvents and read the entrails of demon clowns to divine the future. She believed strongly in the institution of family, which is why she kidnapped me as a baby in the first place. Otherwise I'd have been eaten by the alien lizards. Today's card is for those of you in less fortunate family situations.
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Mothers Day cards

Ecard text: Happy Mothers Day. There is no greater proof of my affection for you than the fact that I never set fire to a rival sibling, no matter how funny it would have been.
I'm ignoring our re-hash Wednesday tradition and posting a new card today because, well, I have the power to do so and because I am the boss. Being a boss is like being a king except instead of bringing you courtesans they bring you tea. Today's card is about Mother's Day. I'm sorry I mentioned courtesans before. Sometimes I say things that are a little bit inappropriate. It's a bit of a secret.
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Family cards

Ecard text: It is a sign of just how much I actually like you that I haven't introduced you to my family yet.
I was raised in a trailer by my grandma, a wonderful, wise old bird who sold cat pelts to tourists to fund her collection of human teeth. When she wasn't passed out drunk on kerosene, she was doing everything humanly possible to provide me with a normal childhood, including carefully negotiated contracts with witch doctors. This card is for those who weren't as lucky as me.
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Thanksgiving cards

Ecard text: This Thanksgiving I plan on being thankful for my ancestor's genetic resistance to small pox.
I watch TV, so I consider myself pretty well-informed. So I know that Thanksgiving started in America but, like baseball, it just hasn't really taken off anywhere else. When you're saying what you're grateful for, remember to keep it random. "I'm thankful for surviving the Walrus Incident" should keep them guessing.
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