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Ecard text: I hope you enjoy your birthday because only God knows how many you have left or which birthday will be your last, and He just wants the whole thing to be an hilarious surprise.
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Read my latest book

"Shea is beginning to think that stealing the world's most famous skull wasn't the best way to launch his career in cat burglary..."

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From My Newsletter, June 20, 2019

I also considered throwing a chair through a window, but I didn't because it was my chair, and also my window. One should be particular when it comes to picking out targets for petty acts of vandalism.

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Sympathy cards

Ecard text: Im sorry that death is such a buzz kill and that Ive been thinking more about breasts than your tragic loss. I just find them very life-affirming. See? Life-affirming.
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Topical cards

Ecard text: Without faith God is nothing. Though this signifies an unwholesome dependence on 'external validation 'to fortify his own self-worth and in my opinion he really should have appeared on Dr Phil before now.
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Get Well cards

Ecard text: why are you sick? i am lonely. you're not going to die are you?
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Get Well cards

Ecard text: 'Get well soon! There is a 33% chance that you are host to toxoplasmic brain parasites, which can kill you when your immune system is weakened. Like now-ish. So: feel better...'
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