CheerUp Ecard with text: cheer up! you still have - i still have my health.

7 May 2009

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historical awareness

Alright, squad, I'm back. I've been off writing a book. It's finished now - what did I miss? I haven't been watching the news or anything - how is Bernie Sanders doing against Jeb Bush? Me? I'm feeling great. I grew a beard for a while and lived in my back yard, burned furniture to keep warm. Writing that book sure was a process. But we'll talk later. For now: Happy Columbus Day.

Columbus Day

Christmas Ecard with text: Merry Christmas. Remember: it's probably not very sensitive to be leaving out cookies for a man who famously struggles with his weight.

sad santa

I watch Fox News so I know all about the plot against Christmas. That's right: conspirators are subverting people's belief in Santa. As a small business owner, and a believer in Santa Claus (I even saw him in a shopping mall once), I make this pledge: For every 1000 boxes of Wrongcards you buy I will send you a Fox News coffee mug (possibly chipped). Christmas saved, kids.

Christmas

Workplace Ecard with text: Thank you for coming into work sick and giving us all Avian/Swine Flu while bravely showing us all what a trooper you are.

presenteeism

Planet Earth has been a blast lately. On the positive side, everybody has jumped on the 'Socially Isolating Yourself' bandwagon; guys, I've actually been doing that my entire life! I even built an entire website to help people become more socially isolated. You can just share cards like this with people and you're done. You don't even need to pretend to sell Essential Oils any more.

Workplace

Get Well Ecard with text: I've decided I like you again and you should be feeling better in a day or two.

this never happened

Whenever a friend comes down with a sore throat or a cold I like to sit at their bedside and offer repeated assurances that it's WAY too early to suspect that this might be the illness that takes their life. And that it's completely absurd to start suspecting Foul Play, while I walk around tapping on the walls as if searching for a hollow sound. I guess I want everybody's life to be an adventure.

Get Well

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