Ecard text: it may taste nice but since i stopped eating glue, i've regained my self respect. And my sense of the color yellow.
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Wrongcards offers free, funny ecards that are wrong for every occasion. The site is 'not-for-profit' and contains no ads, other than some reminders that the site's founder writes funny books that you can find at Amazon.

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Random Cards
Ecard text: the money i save by sending you an ecard instead of a gift will be spent on drugs. you must have totally failed me as a parent
Ecard text: a feller has to do an awful lot of annoying stuff just to get some attention from the ladies.
Ecard text: 'I am sorry about your sudden and tragic loss. And can I spare you what was, for me, a painful lesson and suggest you do not idly bring up the topic of cannibalism? Take it from me:  people can get pretty weird at you about it.'
Ecard text: just remember, tonight's safe word is 'hmmffmmmff'
BOOKS BY ME

"The plan was simple — steal the world's most famous skull, and tell no more than 37 close personal friends and co-workers."

— The Harvard Skull Fiasco

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"I enjoyed this the second entry in the "Blue Bandicoot" series even more than the first; in particular the second half here is fantastic."
—James M.

"Wickedly funny."
— R. Massey

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The omnibus edition contains The Harvard Skull Fiasco and Rise of the Blue Bandicoot. The third book will be added for free in late 2020.