Thinking of You Ecard with text: Don't leave your body to science, leave it to me. Necromancers aren't just born, you know. It all takes practice.

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What time is it? Today’s rehash Wednesday card is here, but I am in Spain, and it’s sunset now but the clock says it’s 10pm. That can’t be right, can it? Also it feels like a Tuesday. The claw-hammer of jetlag is offering mixed opinions. Who invented jetlag? The Wright Brothers. Those guys are overrated. Screw you Wright Brothers I’m eating breakfast.

6 Jun 2013

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misheard

I have a theory. Have you ever vomited and thought: 'My God, there's tiny bits of carrots in it. Look at 'em all. Wait, I didn't eat carrots. When's the last time I ate carrots? I need to eat more carrots.' Anyway I have a theory. Your appendix? It produces tiny pieces of carrot for when you throw up. That's my theory. (I never said it was a good theory).

Thinking of You

Birthday Ecard with text: Happy Birthday. And remember: heart disease kills about one in every four people.

birthday heart

If you know someone who is having a birthday right now you have to send them today's wrongcard. Because it's, like, Providence or something that this card should appear in your life and you have to do it. To ignore Providence is like ignoring God. And we don't do that, okay, because there will be floods and I'll have to build an Ark. If I build an Ark I'm not inviting any bears on-board. Screw that.

Birthday

Inspirational Ecard with text: This year you have not been mauled to death by pissed off Grizzly Bears. Clearly whatever you are doing to keep Grizzly Bears at Bay is working.

mauled by grizzly bears

On Wednesdays I typically post an older card that you might not have seen, and then I spend the afternoon writing letters to the International Olympic Committee demanding they introduce Competitive Humming into the London Olympics. It won't work, but at least the person who opens their mail will have a really weird day.

Inspirational

Excuses Ecard with text: Sorry I cannot attend your party but somebody died, I have to attend their funeral,police are describing the death as unsuspicious so anyway: I can't go.

unsuspicious

The solitary purpose of an Excuses Card is to extricate you from a social obligation. Just send a wrongcard and let me tell lies on your behalf. See? Your conscience is clear. And my conscience? I don't have one yet but I promise that a conscience is the first thing I'm going to buy when I'm rich.

Excuses

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