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Ecard text: merry christmas from the u.s. department of homeland security. keeping the skies safe this holiday season!
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Christmas isn't just a capitalist holiday - there's a religious side to it as well. The origins of Christmas are very mysterious, especially if you're not good at research. Did you know that Jesus' parents might have been Mexicans? Scholars believe that's why they named their kid Jesus. It all makes sense when you remember they owned a donkey. Anyway, Merry Christmas Mexico (birthplace of Jesus)!



The Harvard Skull Fiasco is Now Available

There's a new book out in the world, and I wrote it.

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Christmas cards

Ecard text: everything in the world is fantastic. i love the government. merry Christmas
Let's all imagine, for the sake of the argument, that it's Christmas eve. What's a good Christmas movie? I mean, apart from Diehard? (This description has nothing to do with the card. Rules are for squares, baby).
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Topical cards

Ecard text: The world's most powerful government has has designated you as both a terror target and a terror suspect. This means you do not have the right to utter the phrase 'i am bored' ever again.
When the doctor told me about Messianic Personality Disorder I held up my finger and said 'to define is to limit'. And I thanked him for naming a disorder after me and that I would regard it as a lifetime achievement award. He then said it wasn't named after me, which I suppose means I don't have it. Psychiatry is still just a theory I guess.
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Cheer Up cards

Ecard text: Cheer up. God might not be listening to you but the CIA always is.
I guess I was born to cheer people up. When someone is sad I remind them that they could die at any moment, perhaps at the hand of a someone they know, who pays for axes with cash, and is, moreover, familiar with the floor plan of their house. God clearly wants us all to be happy, so am I an act of God? I don't know, the Vatican is still ignoring my letters. Nice bureaucracy, guys.
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Christmas cards

Ecard text: It is an increasingly common practice to put an elf doll in children's bedrooms. A supernatural doll that gathers data on their ethical performance. Former Russian KGB officers are probably kicking themselves.
I watch Bill O'Reilly so I know that the widespread lack of belief in Santa can be explained as a plot against Christmas by liberal elites. Sometimes I'm not certain though. I tortured this elf in my bedroom for more information, and I'm very good at that, but so far he's given up nothing. I feel like I've failed all of you.
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