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Ecard text: ALways be optimistic. But don't be as optimistic as a dog. A dog will eat its own vomit with the expectation that it will just work out better the second time around. You know what? Don't be optimistic. It doesn't work.
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Don't listen to what some people say, everyone is an optimist. Everyone is being completely optimistic - they might as well embrace the reality. Whenever I turn on the television I stare at it for eight minutes, turn it off and then have to go lie down because civilisation is clearly coming to a sticky end. But then I'm up 15 minutes later because Fox News must not win. See? Optimism. In other news, I should be a motivational speaker.



The Story So Far, Part I

I just disappeared for four years. It's time to come out from the woodwork, but where do I start? How about I go back to the middle?

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Ecard text: If I see a Western Lowland Gorilla today I am totally treating it as suspicious.
'The fact that people write to thank me for making a truly useful ecard site has often given me pause for thought: what could I be doing wrong? Seems like too many of you are getting yourselves into some pretty weird situations. Today's card features a gorilla wearing a suit; if it seems relevant to your life then I have little choice but to throw my hands up in despair.'
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Ecard text: Happy Valentines Day because, after giving the matter some thought, I've decided to go through the motions and profess a semblance of romantic sentiment because, all things considered, it just seems preferable to the consequences I'd be force to endure if I did nothing. (A picture of a badger with the words: by the way, I just like this picture, I'm not trying to say I feel badgered or anything.)
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Ecard text: The fact that elephants are expected never to forget anything can make impending anniversaries for male elephants profoundly stressful, and been shown to lead to anxiety, depression and drug use. This elephant (pictured) is addicted to tranquilizers.
Anniversaries are great. If you can keep someone from working out who you truly are for an entire year then you deserve a bit of a romantic celebration. Sadly it is becoming increasingly customary these days to spend your anniversary with your partner and not with prostitutes, but traditional values will come back into vogue, don't worry. Another war will see to that.
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