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Ecard text: So it turns out that trying to order panda in a Chinese restaurant is considered offensive.
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I want to go to India one day; I love the food and the people seem really nice, despite Hollywood making them out to be violent, tomahawk-wielding lunatics who'll attack anyone in a cowboy hat. But then, I'm a worldly, cosmopolitan sort of guy. And one time I ate Chinese food. Cooked by a retired warlord called General Tso. My life is amazing!

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"Shea is beginning to think that stealing the world's most famous skull wasn't the best way to launch his career in cat burglary..."

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From My Newsletter, June 20, 2019

I also considered throwing a chair through a window, but I didn't because it was my chair, and also my window. One should be particular when it comes to picking out targets for petty acts of vandalism.

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Ecard text: I have my own religion and in that religion all pandas secretly hate you.
On Wednesdays I like to post a link to an older card and then spend the rest of my day campaigning for religious tolerance, particularly for all religions that correctly agree with my own views, unlike those other heretic religions that I hate and would burn to the ground if the law wasn't so restrictive.
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Ecard text: I'm not saying that you eat spiders. I'm saying that we don't see spiders when you're around and that you rarely seem to be hungry, and it that it might be possible to exrapolate from this.
You all know that I hate to boast but the fact is that I'm really good at logic. The only thing that stops me from writing a book called 'How To Defeat Everybody With Logic' is the worrying fact that I still occasionally see zebras following me around that nobody else can see. And Katie Couric would ask me about it during the interview and I'd have no response. Plus I'm also in love with Katie Couric.
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Ecard text: If you dont decorate the front of your house with morbid, grisly plastic ornaments that were manufactured in China, then people think you're some kind of weirdo.
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Ecard text: If I should ever wander off into the fog in my mind, lose my way and never return, I want you to have my cat. Provided I havent eaten it by then or something.
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