Let's get dressed up as suburban parents, knock on doors and ask if the candy is gluten-free.

The creepiest thing about Halloween is how it ritualistically teaches children to accept candy from strangers. The second creepy thing is that processed sugars are harmful and addictive substances that people just give to children anyway. The third creepy thing is that there's a goddamn skeleton covered in slightly damp meat, reading these words. What. I have to be the only one who's unsettled?