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Ecard text: So technically it was misleading of you to tell me you wanted me to be myself.
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I never watched Brokeback Mountain. I don't like westerns I guess. A friend tried to tell me that movie was gay, so I stopped talking to him: I won't tolerate the use of inappropriate language around me. It's a stupid criticism too. I mean, just because someone wears a cowboy hat doesn't make them gay. Anyway, today's card is for those of you bedeviled by authenticity. I love you guys, you know?



The Story So Far, Part I

I just disappeared for four years. It's time to come out from the woodwork, but where do I start? How about I go back to the middle?

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Ecard text: I am deeply and profoundly sorry that I have to apologize to you and promise that next time I will treat myself with more consideration.
Sometimes I cover my face, pretend to be upset, and say to people, 'I've been having some emotional problems lately' which is my way of saying: 'soon you're going to find the roadkill that I've hidden under your bed. I hope we will still be friends'. Friendships; they take work. Today's rehash Wednesday card is for saying sorry. See? I'm your friend.
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Fathers Day cards

Ecard text: Dad, thanks for turning me into a self-made man
I’m aware I have had certain advantages in life. Not every boy gets to grow up knowing his dad was both an astronaut AND an arctic explorer. My grandmother says it’s a pity my dad had to go into hiding when the lizard people from Rigel VI surreptitiously took control of all the world’s major governments, because I’d have really liked him.
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Cheer Up cards

Ecard text: i want you to know that if you ever feel troubled or sad you can come to me, and i will console you by telling you that it’s all your fault for never doing what i tell you to do.
Today's card is a Cheer Up card, which can be sent to people who are being depressing. Typically that means they have some sort of problem or a bad thing has happened. My point? When someone's life stops being about blue skies, short skirts and ice cream, we send this card. I know, right? Where were you guys before you found me?
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Apology cards

Ecard text: I apologize for the fact that I wasn't put on earth to help people feel good about being wrong.
Whenever I apologize for something I focus on getting the details right. If you get the details wrong then it might sound insincere or as though you are thinking about something else. Sometimes I can't remember the details so I like to keep apologies very general and vague. Today's card, for example.
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