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Ecard text: The world's most powerful government has has designated you as both a terror target and a terror suspect. This means you do not have the right to utter the phrase 'i am bored' ever again.
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When the doctor told me about Messianic Personality Disorder I held up my finger and said 'to define is to limit'. And I thanked him for naming a disorder after me and that I would regard it as a lifetime achievement award. He then said it wasn't named after me, which I suppose means I don't have it. Psychiatry is still just a theory I guess.



The Harvard Skull Fiasco is Now Available

There's a new book out in the world, and I wrote it.

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Cheer Up cards

Ecard text: Cheer up. God might not be listening to you but the CIA always is.
I guess I was born to cheer people up. When someone is sad I remind them that they could die at any moment, perhaps at the hand of a someone they know, who pays for axes with cash, and is, moreover, familiar with the floor plan of their house. God clearly wants us all to be happy, so am I an act of God? I don't know, the Vatican is still ignoring my letters. Nice bureaucracy, guys.
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Christmas cards

Ecard text: It is an increasingly common practice to put an elf doll in children's bedrooms. A supernatural doll that gathers data on their ethical performance. Former Russian KGB officers are probably kicking themselves.
I watch Bill O'Reilly so I know that the widespread lack of belief in Santa can be explained as a plot against Christmas by liberal elites. Sometimes I'm not certain though. I tortured this elf in my bedroom for more information, and I'm very good at that, but so far he's given up nothing. I feel like I've failed all of you.
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Topical cards

Ecard text: if ever asked, you believe the government only listens in on us for our own benefit. try and appear interested only in fashion and cosmetics. remember, always act as if nothing is wrong.
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Topical cards

Ecard text: I don't know what scares me more - International Terrorism, or that 46% of American voters believe the world was created in six days.
One of my daily challenges is the fact that I understand politics better than everybody else. I already know who will win the US election - some really rich Americans who live in Monaco and Switzerland. Normal Americans who live inside the United States won't fare so well, of course, but at least they'll get to have some interesting arguments among themselves at Thanksgiving.
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