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Ecard text: I am sorry I cannot attend Thanksgiving with your family but I would rather kill Nazis on a Playstation than sit with them at a dinner table.
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On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving I like to post an older card, and then spend the rest of the day trying to buy Boston real estate with beads, shiny trinkets and blankets. Not really - I just play videogames. God, why do you people force me to lie? You're enablers, all of you and you bring out the worst in me. Today's card is on you.



The Story So Far, Part I

I just disappeared for four years. It's time to come out from the woodwork, but where do I start? How about I go back to the middle?

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Ecard text: Cannot hang out. Am a prisoner of my mind and it needs me to kill dragons.
I'm still in Granada, and just tried to order room service. I'm in a bit of a difficult mood so I tried to order swan. Black swan. They told me they didn't have black swan on the menu so I said I'd settle for an ordinary swan that had been dyed black. Even when I'm difficult I'm highly reasonable. But I'm not going to lie; this has nothing to do with today's card.
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Ecard text: I cannot come to work today due to an unfortunate flare-up of inner demons.
When they call my number at the Pearly Gates I expect my entry to be a shoe-in. This is not because I have led a conspicuously virtuous life but because of the disconcertingly high body count I have racked up killing demons in video-games. Also nazis, while I'm thinking about it. I've probably murdered half a bazillion symbolic demons and nazis - how is that not better than prayer?
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Ecard text: We drink to remember St Patrick's liberation of Ireland from the Nazi-Alien occupation of 1932-1956, which you would know all about if you too watched the History Channel.
It makes me sad that many people don't take St Patrick's Day seriously. Some will prance about in fatuous green socks, mention some highly unlikely Irish ancestor and then consider their obligations to the thing met. Not me. I'm a messenger. From God, probably. And if I don't explain this holiday then millions will be spending Saturday drunk for no reason at all. So here we go ...
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Ecard text: The only thing that has prevented me from doing the chores you asked me to do is my discovery that video games are just more enjoyable.
As an emotionally intelligent individual I’m aware that everybody makes mistakes. And I should know - I made a mistake once, a sad story that involves me sharing an ice cream that resulted in me having to eat less than half. Fortunately my fallibility makes me good at making excuses...
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