Our Celebration Cards are not useful to send to people who are celebrating things that are important to them. They may elicit gratitude. They may elicit horror. They may result in extraordinary sexual-favors but this is highly unlikely so let’s put special emphasis here on the ‘free ecards’ aspect and leave it at that. Besides, it’s not as if fate has been dispensing free tea and biscuits to you lately. Why doesn’t anybody send you these cards? The world is unjust. There, I said it. But as a feeble act of good conscience, sending along one of our celebratory cards to others more fortunate than yourself is probably an ill-conceived idea. And that’s the real benefit.
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Celebration Ecards
all birthdays
Life's been boring lately apart from a global pandemic, murder hornets, millions saying the virus is a hoax, plus riots, nitwits who think masks don't need to cover their noses, people posting on social media about Bill Gates using 5G for mind-control, and billionaires using social media for, um, actual mind-control, plus Nazis and possibly another plague but everything's fine I guess how are you.
stoicism
Just skimmed some headlines, apparently 2018 is all about raising awareness of what men have been up to. Finally! It's about time the world heard more from men's perspectives. So I've decided January is MENS MONTH at Wrongcards. Let's raise awareness. I mean, its 2018 and doctors STILL don't administer epidurals to men during their partner's childbirth. And I was being really polite, too.
insufficient
Birthdays are a chore, especially if you're like me and celebrate your Birthday every couple of months with a different group of friends. I find there's safety in numbers. Of identities.
or much too much
Earlier this week I was in a pillow-fight at a party and for some perverse reason I was being targeted by everyone, and this two-year old child came wandering past in diapers so I picked him up by the leg and used him as a human shield. Then I got a talking-to for most of an hour. I had no idea people get so emotional about human shields. Today's card is something I said that night.
long term plans
Did you know only 12 million Americans believe that the USA is secretly run by lizard people? It's a very disappointing statistic but lizards are good at disinformation. Today's wrongcard is for birthdays so why, then, am I talking about lizard people? Oh who knows why I do anything.
spiders are sensitive
It's someone's birthday today, maybe not yours or mine but it's someone's; it's commonsense. I know lots about people and most of what I know about people I learned from spiders. Though wasps, when you think about it, are a kind of winged spider. Spiders don't hum like wasps, they just whistle. Nobody really knows why.
weird noises
It's fine to be quietly afraid of werewolves but nobody worries about wereferrets, do they? A werewolf is big, you can see it padding down the road but a wereferret is small, thus hard to see as it drops from overhead branches. Imagine the fluid grace of it gnashing through the air, fastening onto major artery. Imagine the horror. I'd like to add that today's card is about babies.
willingness to learn
I'll go ahead and admit it: today's card is silly. Usually I like to keep things pretty serious here because we live in grave, uncertain times and I don't want anyone to think I'm a frivolous person. Still, I can joke about cosmetic surgery because I'd never spoil a surprise. People love surprises. 'Wake up! While you were sleeping I fixed your nose! Now you have two!' I am awesome at friendship...
gender tact
I never know the right thing to say but I've never let that stop me. When it comes to babies it's like quantum principles are involved. It's all projection, probability, wave-forms and misbehaving mathematics. You can send this card to any expecting parent and know you've covered all bases. If they get weird and serious about it blame it all on hormones.
antlers
Last week there was a lot of lovey-dovey romance talk here because of Valentines Day. Did you know that romance can lead to babies? That makes me uneasy. As far as pets go, babies are expensive. My pet wasp swarm, in contrast, is very cheap to feed: like, two hobos a month or something. I like babies but if you think about it long enough you'll see that wasps are cooler.
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