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Baby Shower Thank You Cards | PAGE 1

Baby. None of which are a good idea.

When a new baby comes along there’s a lot of screaming and blood and some doctors laugh all the way to the bank. Most of us seem to find the experience of being born so traumatic that we’ve forgotten it within a few short years. But society likes its conventions and one such convention is sending baby cards to new parents. So here you go.

Baby Shower Thank You Cards Ecard with text: You should know in advance that when women have babies they often yell and scream a lot. They are not as stoic as men, unfortunately, and nobody really knows why.
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about this card: stoicism | Just skimmed some headlines; apparently 2018 is all about raising awareness of what men have been up to. Finally! It's about time the world heard more from men's perspectives. So I've decided January is MENS MONTH at Wrongcards. Let's raise awareness. I mean, its 2018 and doctors STILL don't administer epidurals to men during their partner's childbirth. And I was being really polite, too.
Baby Shower Thank You Cards Ecard with text: Am relieved to hear you are pregnant and not merely eating too much cake.
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about this card: or much too much | Earlier this week I was in a pillow-fight at a party and for some perverse reason I was being targeted by everyone, and this two-year old child came wandering past in diapers so I picked him up by the leg and used him as a human shield. Then I got a talking-to for most of an hour. I had no idea people get so emotional about human shields. Today's card is something I said that night.
Baby Shower Thank You Cards Ecard with text: Don't be alarmed if your baby doesn't do anything all day but lie around being boring and making weird noises: turns out this is normal.
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about this card: weird noises | It's fine to be quietly afraid of werewolves but nobody worries about wereferrets, do they? A werewolf is big, you can see it padding down the road but a wereferret is small, thus hard to see as it drops from overhead branches. Imagine the fluid grace of it gnashing through the air, fastening onto major artery. Imagine the horror. I'd like to add that today's card is about babies.
Baby Shower Thank You Cards Ecard with text: Congratulations. I hope your baby is born a boy or girl.
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about this card: gender tact | I never know the right thing to say but I've never let that stop me. When it comes to babies it's like quantum principles are involved. It's all projection, probability, wave-forms and misbehaving mathematics. You can send this card to any expecting parent and know you've covered all bases. If they get weird and serious about it blame it all on hormones.
Baby Shower Thank You Cards Ecard with text: Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope your child is born with antlers because antlers are frickin sweet and nobody is the playground is gonna mess with a child born with antlers.
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about this card: antlers | Last week there was a lot of lovey-dovey romance talk here because of Valentines Day. Did you know that romance can lead to babies? That makes me uneasy. As far as pets go, babies are expensive. My pet wasp swarm, in contrast, is very cheap to feed: like, two hobos a month or something. I like babies but if you think about it long enough you'll see that wasps are cooler.
Baby Shower Thank You Cards Ecard with text: I promise to always look after your child provided you NEVER turn into one of those people who get weird and serious about babysitters who raid your medicine cabinet.
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about this card: never | Two thirds of our team are back from our Fact Finding Mission to Spain, where we studied Alcohol Intolerance and Sleep Deprivation. (It wasn't a competition but I still won!) I left the most responsible of us behind in Boston to run Wrongcards, as well as to teach him just how far Being Responsible will get him. Today's card is about babies I think. Next time I post I'll research it better.
Baby Shower Thank You Cards Ecard with text: Congratulations on your pregnancy. And I am, of course, willing to be present at the birth. Certain conditions may apply.
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about this card: certain conditions | I got invited to attend a childbirth once. Then I said a couple of things that got me swiftly uninvited. Of course - they were a bit weird but it occurs to me that many would go along just to be nice. I'm looking at you, Twenty-First Century Husbands. When Baby Miracle arrives you're supposed to be in a bar across the street. Smoking. And swigging brandy. Where did we go so wrong?
Baby Shower Thank You Cards Ecard with text: If you don't like your first-born, it's useful keeping him or her around because it can be useful in supernatural transactions.
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about this card: transactions | Congratulating people whenever they contribute to the human over-population problem is an important, profitable niche in the greeting card market. I may suck at inventing business concepts (cards that you shouldn't send to anyone?) but I'm going all out to meet my professional obligations today.
Baby Shower Thank You Cards Ecard with text: Congratulations on your new baby. I'm sorry it's probably not the gender you wanted but you can always love it slightly less. Don't worry I won't tell anyone.
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about this card: fifty fifty | The behavioral nuances of an infant do not exactly enliven the mind unless, and I'm guessing here, your genetic material was used in its manufacture. Then it's all diverting stuff. Look, I love the arrival of a baby but a soliloquy from a new parent about an infant's burping habits? I can only remain in the room if I'm incapacitated, and even so, I still be clutching my head and screaming.
Baby Shower Thank You Cards Ecard with text: Don't worry I'm happy to babysit. You can pay me in breast milk. I have a lot of pleasant associations with it.
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about this card: pleasant associations | Alright now. Spring seems to be unfurling languidly across the North-East, beckoning thoughts of all things new. Bleating lambs, chirpy birds and such. Tottering toddlers with sticky-jam hands. You know what I'm saying. Babies. Speaking of which, here's a Baby Card to look at it. Sharing it on people's walls? Wouldn't do it myself but then, I'm a serious individual ...
Baby Shower Thank You Cards Ecard with text: I was going to bring your new baby gold, frankincense and myrrh but I remembered how badly that can turn out.
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about this card: december baby | Things might be getting Christmassy but people still seem to be having babies regardless. I don't have a problem with it because you can buy the child one present per year and say: 'this is for your birthday AND Christmas'. This also means more money to spend each year on expensive, imported gourmet puddings.
Baby Shower Thank You Cards Ecard with text: I'm sorry I cannot babysit your child but I suffer from a debilitating phobia of orange-colored excrement.
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about this card: debilitating | Babies happen, and when one happens near you, you'd best be prepared. I'm not saying that babies aren't great to be around for a few minutes but there ARE a lot of good PC games coming out in the next three months. What's today's card? Your ticket to freedom.

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