None of which are a good idea.
When a new baby comes along there’s a lot of screaming and blood and some doctors laugh all the way to the bank. Most of us seem to find the experience of being born so traumatic that we’ve forgotten it within a few short years. But society likes its conventions and one such convention is sending baby cards to new parents. So here you go.
Just skimmed some headlines; apparently 2018 is all about raising awareness of what men have been up to. Finally! It's about time the world heard more from men's perspectives. So I've decided January is MENS MONTH at Wrongcards. Let's raise awareness. I mean, its 2018 and doctors STILL don't administer epidurals to men during their partner's childbirth. And I was being really polite, too.
Earlier this week I was in a pillow-fight at a party and for some perverse reason I was being targeted by everyone, and this two-year old child came wandering past in diapers so I picked him up by the leg and used him as a human shield. Then I got a talking-to for most of an hour. I had no idea people get so emotional about human shields. Today's card is something I said that night.
It's fine to be quietly afraid of werewolves but nobody worries about wereferrets, do they? A werewolf is big, you can see it padding down the road but a wereferret is small, thus hard to see as it drops from overhead branches. Imagine the fluid grace of it gnashing through the air, fastening onto major artery. Imagine the horror. I'd like to add that today's card is about babies.
I never know the right thing to say but I've never let that stop me. When it comes to babies it's like quantum principles are involved. It's all projection, probability, wave-forms and misbehaving mathematics. You can send this card to any expecting parent and know you've covered all bases. If they get weird and serious about it blame it all on hormones.
Last week there was a lot of lovey-dovey romance talk here because of Valentines Day. Did you know that romance can lead to babies? That makes me uneasy. As far as pets go, babies are expensive. My pet wasp swarm, in contrast, is very cheap to feed: like, two hobos a month or something. I like babies but if you think about it long enough you'll see that wasps are cooler.
Two thirds of our team are back from our Fact Finding Mission to Spain, where we studied Alcohol Intolerance and Sleep Deprivation. (It wasn't a competition but I still won!) I left the most responsible of us behind in Boston to run Wrongcards, as well as to teach him just how far Being Responsible will get him. Today's card is about babies I think. Next time I post I'll research it better.
I got invited to attend a childbirth once. Then I said a couple of things that got me swiftly uninvited. Of course - they were a bit weird but it occurs to me that many would go along just to be nice. I'm looking at you, Twenty-First Century Husbands. When Baby Miracle arrives you're supposed to be in a bar across the street. Smoking. And swigging brandy. Where did we go so wrong?
Congratulating people whenever they contribute to the human over-population problem is an important, profitable niche in the greeting card market. I may suck at inventing business concepts (cards that you shouldn't send to anyone?) but I'm going all out to meet my professional obligations today.
The behavioral nuances of an infant do not exactly enliven the mind unless, and I'm guessing here, your genetic material was used in its manufacture. Then it's all diverting stuff. Look, I love the arrival of a baby but a soliloquy from a new parent about an infant's burping habits? I can only remain in the room if I'm incapacitated, and even so, I still be clutching my head and screaming.
Alright now. Spring seems to be unfurling languidly across the North-East, beckoning thoughts of all things new. Bleating lambs, chirpy birds and such. Tottering toddlers with sticky-jam hands. You know what I'm saying. Babies. Speaking of which, here's a Baby Card to look at it. Sharing it on people's walls? Wouldn't do it myself but then, I'm a serious individual ...
Things might be getting Christmassy but people still seem to be having babies regardless. I don't have a problem with it because you can buy the child one present per year and say: 'this is for your birthday AND Christmas'. This also means more money to spend each year on expensive, imported gourmet puddings.
Babies happen, and when one happens near you, you'd best be prepared. I'm not saying that babies aren't great to be around for a few minutes but there ARE a lot of good PC games coming out in the next three months. What's today's card? Your ticket to freedom.
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