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Ecards for People Having Babies

Baby cards

Ecard text: 'I'm not saying you have a parasite growing inside of you. I'm saying you're growing a parasite in you that will emerge in a gross spectacle of blood and gore to make demands on your tim efor something like twenty years or more.'
You know how it is when you get bored and want to mess with the minds of certain friends or family-members who are 'with child'? Well, I have a strategy for that - a little something I like to call, 'saying things that are true'.
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Baby cards

Ecard text: In fairness to myself, the only reason I don't want to hear all about your pregnancy is because I think the process is icky.
Today's card is for those who talk frankly about their pregnancies. Or rather, today's card is not for those people. Remember: one of the dangers of Wrongcards is that when you send them to others you run the risk of making yourself understood. I hope this message finds you fine and well.
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Baby cards

Ecard text: Congratulations on the birth of your baby, if indeed it IS your baby and not the baby I read about on the back of my milk carton.
You can send today's card to new parents. Or rather - you shouldn't. New parents can be awfully prickly and humorless - after all, they've just crushed their dreams. But then again, maybe you should. I think the decision really boils down to whether or not you like their cooking. Once again, I'm here to help.
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Baby cards

Ecard text: Placenta should never go to waste.
I can't help it - people I know keep having babies. It's been my experience that new parents get really nervy and upset if you say stuff like 'You know, toddlers are awesome when they're high!' Just in case you were going to say something like this.
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Baby cards

Ecard text: Aside from the fact that, generally speaking, your baby has poor personal hygiene and is lazy, incoherent, unmotivated, self-absorbed, and hogging all the attention, I think the child has a lot to recommend it.
'People are always going and having babies and expecting us to give them gifts. But how can anything we give them top The Miracle of Life? Thats what I ask, but everyone says: no, no you've got to give them a present anyway. So I send a small bottle of rum ("for the baby") or an ecard like this one. Anything to avoid babysitting.'
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Baby cards

Ecard text: Statistical fact: some babies grow up to be mass murderers.I'm not saying it's going to happen in your case - I'm just pointing out that you're playing Russian Roulette with statistics.
And today's card is for new parents. Bless their hearts, they get so nervy when you mention statistics, which is something you Should Never Do. Unless you're bored and there's nothing on television.
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