Categories
Celebration Cards
Perfectly unsuitable ecards for every occasion.
midnight contract
I hate seeing humanoids with black eyeballs. It makes it so much harder to relate to them. Now I'm not a judgmental person (except when I take an instant dislike to someone because I don't like their hat) but if I see a reptilian creature with bat wings I cross the street. I think it's because I don't want to get caught up in all their drama.
upcoming marriage
On re-hash Wednesdays I like to post an older card that many of you might not have seen and then I devote the rest of the day to raising money for Ann and Mitt Romney's charity, 'Children Without Skiis'. If I happen to meet a rich society lady at one of these functions and that leads to me getting married and entering the 'We Don't Pay Taxes' class, then ... no really, it's about the kids...
canine motif
"You didn't give me a Birthday card," she said. "Oh that's right, your Birthday is in September. When is it exactly?" "It was two weeks ago." "Hmm, I should buy you a card." "You OWN a greeting card company!" "That's right, I do - so can I make you a card, then? It's just that it would be cheaper for me." "Alright," she said, "but I want it to be a nice card. A picture of a puppy or something."
suspicious
Occasionally I get invited to weddings. My view about weddings is that there are plenty of cheaper ways of getting your hands on cake. It's not hard to shoplift cake but you do want to line your pockets with zip-lock bags. If ever asked why you can't attend a wedding shove a handful of cake in your mouth. Gives you time to think. Saw it done at a Pentagon press briefing once. True story.
never
Two thirds of our team are back from our Fact Finding Mission to Spain, where we studied Alcohol Intolerance and Sleep Deprivation. (It wasn't a competition but I still won!) I left the most responsible of us behind in Boston to run Wrongcards, as well as to teach him just how far Being Responsible will get him. Today's card is about babies I think. Next time I post I'll research it better.
certain conditions
I got invited to attend a childbirth once. Then I said a couple of things that got me swiftly uninvited. Of course - they were a bit weird but it occurs to me that many would go along just to be nice. I'm looking at you, Twenty-First Century Husbands. When Baby Miracle arrives you're supposed to be in a bar across the street. Smoking. And swigging brandy. Where did we go so wrong?
transactions
Congratulating people whenever they contribute to the human over-population problem is an important, profitable niche in the greeting card market. I may suck at inventing business concepts (cards that you shouldn't send to anyone?) but I'm going all out to meet my professional obligations today.
birthday zebra
“But do you understand it?” I asked a friend. He said, ”I'm seeing a birthday zebra that's troubled by its temporary individuality, isolation and detachment, but will happily return to the unremarkable anonymity of herd experience tomorrow”. I looked at him and said: “Actually I just wanted to draw a zebra."
fifty fifty
The behavioral nuances of an infant do not exactly enliven the mind unless, and I'm guessing here, your genetic material was used in its manufacture. Then it's all diverting stuff. Look, I love the arrival of a baby but a soliloquy from a new parent about an infant's burping habits? I can only remain in the room if I'm incapacitated, and even so, I still be clutching my head and screaming.
pleasant associations
Alright now. Spring seems to be unfurling languidly across the North-East, beckoning thoughts of all things new. Bleating lambs, chirpy birds and such. Tottering toddlers with sticky-jam hands. You know what I'm saying. Babies. Speaking of which, here's a Baby Card to look at it. Sharing it on people's walls? Wouldn't do it myself but then, I'm a serious individual ...
identical boxes
Do you know anybody having a birthday this weekend? If so, this is not really the best card to send them. Unless you're giving them a completely rubbish present and you want to draw attention away from it. I once gave someone a chocolate bar wrapped up in gift paper, but that was before chocolate bars got so expensive.
december baby
Things might be getting Christmassy but people still seem to be having babies regardless. I don't have a problem with it because you can buy the child one present per year and say: 'this is for your birthday AND Christmas'. This also means more money to spend each year on expensive, imported gourmet puddings.