Celebration | PAGE 2

Celebration Cards. Perfectly unsuitable ecards for every occasion.

Baby Shower Thank You Cards Birthday Congratulations Weddings, Engagements, and Other Mistakes

Birthday Ecard with text: In accordance with some societal conventions that I surmised all by myself, I am sending you a card with the words HAPPY BIRTHDAY written on it. Here is a picture of a dead rat. Clip art is expensive. — about this card: the one with the rat | It's a good rule of thumb that you should always be nice to other people or else they won't give you a piece of cake on their birthdays. You can elect not to be nice and instead sneak into their houses and eat their cake while they're sleeping but take it from me, Cake Burgling is not the caper-filled dream job that we all grew up hoping it would be. So be nice to people today, okay? And send this card to someone!

Birthday Ecard with text: Happy Birthday. And if at midnight a demon appears in your room talking about some contract I supposedly signed in your name, just ignore him. He is not to be taken seriously and is merely confused. — about this card: midnight contract | I hate seeing humanoids with black eyeballs. It makes it so much harder to relate to them. Now I'm not a judgmental person (except when I take an instant dislike to someone because I don't like their hat) but if I see a reptilian creature with bat wings I cross the street. I think it's because I don't want to get caught up in all their drama.

Weddings, Engagements, and Other Mistakes Ecard with text: Congratulations on your upcoming marriage, I can't wait to see which one of you wins. — about this card: upcoming marriage | On re-hash Wednesdays I like to post an older card that many of you might not have seen and then I devote the rest of the day to raising money for Ann and Mitt Romney's charity, 'Children Without Skiis'. If I happen to meet a rich society lady at one of these functions and that leads to me getting married and entering the 'We Don't Pay Taxes' class, then ... no really, it's about the kids...

Birthday Ecard with text: Happy Birthday. Right: Picture of a dog holding someone's hand. — about this card: canine motif | "You didn't give me a Birthday card," she said. "Oh that's right, your Birthday is in September. When is it exactly?" "It was two weeks ago." "Hmm, I should buy you a card." "You OWN a greeting card company!" "That's right, I do - so can I make you a card, then? It's just that it would be cheaper for me." "Alright," she said, "but I want it to be a nice card. A picture of a puppy or something."

Weddings, Engagements, and Other Mistakes Ecard with text: I am unable to attend your wedding party in case it looks too suspicious to the US Government from overhead. — about this card: suspicious | Occasionally I get invited to weddings. My view about weddings is that there are plenty of cheaper ways of getting your hands on cake. It's not hard to shoplift cake but you do want to line your pockets with zip-lock bags. If ever asked why you can't attend a wedding shove a handful of cake in your mouth. Gives you time to think. Saw it done at a Pentagon press briefing once. True story.

Baby Shower Thank You Cards Ecard with text: I promise to always look after your child provided you NEVER turn into one of those people who get weird and serious about babysitters who raid your medicine cabinet. — about this card: never | Two thirds of our team are back from our Fact Finding Mission to Spain, where we studied Alcohol Intolerance and Sleep Deprivation. (It wasn't a competition but I still won!) I left the most responsible of us behind in Boston to run Wrongcards, as well as to teach him just how far Being Responsible will get him. Today's card is about babies I think. Next time I post I'll research it better.

Baby Shower Thank You Cards Ecard with text: Congratulations on your pregnancy. And I am, of course, willing to be present at the birth. Certain conditions may apply. — about this card: certain conditions | I got invited to attend a childbirth once. Then I said a couple of things that got me swiftly uninvited. Of course - they were a bit weird but it occurs to me that many would go along just to be nice. I'm looking at you, Twenty-First Century Husbands. When Baby Miracle arrives you're supposed to be in a bar across the street. Smoking. And swigging brandy. Where did we go so wrong?

Baby Shower Thank You Cards Ecard with text: If you don't like your first-born, it's useful keeping him or her around because it can be useful in supernatural transactions. — about this card: transactions | Congratulating people whenever they contribute to the human over-population problem is an important, profitable niche in the greeting card market. I may suck at inventing business concepts (cards that you shouldn't send to anyone?) but I'm going all out to meet my professional obligations today.

Birthday Ecard with text: You have left the mainstream experience, you are disuniting from the collective, you are undergoing dissociation. Happy Birthday. — about this card: birthday zebra | “But do you understand it?” I asked a friend. He said, ”I'm seeing a birthday zebra that's troubled by its temporary individuality, isolation and detachment, but will happily return to the unremarkable anonymity of herd experience tomorrow”. I looked at him and said: “Actually I just wanted to draw a zebra."

Baby Shower Thank You Cards Ecard with text: Congratulations on your new baby. I'm sorry it's probably not the gender you wanted but you can always love it slightly less. Don't worry I won't tell anyone. — about this card: fifty fifty | The behavioral nuances of an infant do not exactly enliven the mind unless, and I'm guessing here, your genetic material was used in its manufacture. Then it's all diverting stuff. Look, I love the arrival of a baby but a soliloquy from a new parent about an infant's burping habits? I can only remain in the room if I'm incapacitated, and even so, I still be clutching my head and screaming.

Baby Shower Thank You Cards Ecard with text: Don't worry I'm happy to babysit. You can pay me in breast milk. I have a lot of pleasant associations with it. — about this card: pleasant associations | Alright now. Spring seems to be unfurling languidly across the North-East, beckoning thoughts of all things new. Bleating lambs, chirpy birds and such. Tottering toddlers with sticky-jam hands. You know what I'm saying. Babies. Speaking of which, here's a Baby Card to look at it. Sharing it on people's walls? Wouldn't do it myself but then, I'm a serious individual ...

Birthday Ecard with text: Happy Birthday. You're going to get old and live in one of thousands of identical boxes and then get sad and die. But today is not the day to think about that, ok? — about this card: identical boxes | Do you know anybody having a birthday this weekend? If so, this is not really the best card to send them. Unless you're giving them a completely rubbish present and you want to draw attention away from it. I once gave someone a chocolate bar wrapped up in gift paper, but that was before chocolate bars got so expensive.

latest newsletters

Wrongcards and the Mind Virus

I've been revisiting some of my older cards. Some of them are inexplicable.

A Not So Cricketty Christmas

Some games of cricket can last for weeks. In fact, I think that's one of the reasons I moved to America.

The Infernal Terracotta Pot

I slightly injured myself. Then, whilst forced to do nothing at all, I began to wonder about my own mental well-being.

Strange Passage, Part Two

And then I was locked up in a holding cell, wondering what to do next.

Strange Passage, Part One

I tell you, it really makes a man think.