free ecards that are
wrong for every occasion
The Harvard Skull Fiasco

Keep up with my nonsense

Subscribe to my newsletter
and get one of my ebooks for free.

Ecards Unsuitable for Expressing Concern — page 2


Apology Ecard with text: So technically it was misleading of you to tell me you wanted me to be myself.
Apology Ecards view send
about this card: technically misleading | I never watched Brokeback Mountain. I don't like westerns I guess. A friend tried to tell me that movie was gay, so I stopped talking to him: I won't tolerate the use of inappropriate language around me. It's a stupid criticism too. I mean, just because someone wears a cowboy hat doesn't make them gay. Anyway, today's card is for those of you bedeviled by authenticity. I love you guys, you know?
Sympathy Ecard with text: I am sorry for your tragic loss. But on the bright side you now have a really authentic Halloween decoration.
Sympathy Ecards view send
about this card: bright side | I dislike funerals 'cause afterwards you have to go and mill about at someone's house and there is always potato salad covered in plastic wrap. And I really hate potato salad. But my job requires that I write Sympathy Cards, so I have to brush all the nausea under a metaphorical rug and be professional about death. Today's card? Consummate professionalism about death right there.
Missing You Ecard with text: I miss you but on the upside I at least have a lot more time to get in touch with my OWN body.
Missing You Ecards view send
about this card: upside of missing you | I'm not ashamed to admit it: I'm a man and sometimes I have emotions. When Bunheads got canceled I went into a bit of a dark place. I dragged most of my furniture into the backyard and burned it all in a cold rage, and grew a beard for a while. Downton Abbey reruns made me feel whole again. You know what? I'm dedicating today's card to you. And to Bunheads.
Apology Ecard with text: I want you to know that i would probably be feeling very apologetic towards you right now if I was capable of feeling that sort of emotion.
Apology Ecards view send
about this card: capable | People, I have a dream - and in that dream there's a goat flying a biplane wearing a leather helmet and goggles and he' chanting Wagner. That's why you shouldn't follow your dreams; sometimes they're rubbish. Now, today's card is an apology ecard. If you should ever really need a good card to apologize to someone for something, remember - wrongcards: not the best place for that.
Thinking of You Ecard with text: I was sorry to hear that you had died, and am sending you this ecard on the chance that I simply misheard.
Thinking of You Ecards view send
about this card: misheard | 'I have a theory. Have you ever vomited and thought: "My God, there's tiny bits of carrots in it. Look at 'em all. Wait, I didn't eat carrots. When's the last time I ate carrots? I need to eat more carrots." Anyway I have a theory. Your appendix? It produces tiny pieces of carrot for when you throw up. That's my theory. (I never said it was a good theory).'
Apology Ecard with text: I am sorry if I don't always seem to take you very seriously but in my defense it is only because I don't take you very seriously.
Apology Ecards view send
about this card: seriously | I may be a Rapscallion but I also have high standards. This is why I absolutely refuse to drink in a bar that lets people like me through the door. A lot of people ask me how to get started as a Rapscallion but we have a very strict dress code and I always try to talk them out of it. You know, a Rapscallion is only three nice suits away from becoming a bounder. It's why I can't own nice suits.
Apology Ecard with text: I am deeply and sincerely sorry you thought this was going to be a deep and sincere apology.
Apology Ecards view send
about this card: deeply sincerely | I'm still in Spain, by the way - and today I spent half a day out in the middle of a field chasing around three rabbits who simply could not understand I wanted to be their friend. (The Spanish Tourism Authority can expect a strongly worded letter). You know how sometimes people insist you apologize for stuff? Today's card makes them less noisy.
Apology Ecard with text: sorry you were a false positive on my gaydar
Apology Ecards view send
about this card: false positive | 'I may not believe in marriage but I believe that everybody, regardless of sexual orientation, is entitled to make mistakes like that. Even though I am a heterosexual boy I would consider marrying a gay person, or even a group of gay persons, if they are all female and good at cooking: why not? It's sad that people aren't always as mature as I am.'
Thinking of You Ecard with text: Don't leave your body to science, leave it to me. Necromancers aren't just born, you know. It all takes practice.
Thinking of You Ecards view send
about this card: leaving your body | What time is it? Today's rehash Wednesday card is here, but I am in Spain, and it's sunset now but the clock says it's 10pm. That can't be right, can it? Also it feels like a Tuesday. The claw-hammer of jetlag is offering mixed opinions. Who invented jetlag? The Wright Brothers. Those guys are overrated. Screw you Wright Brothers I'm eating breakfast.
Apology Ecard with text: I am sorry that you don't seem to realize just how sweet and endearing my faults actually are.
Apology Ecards view send
about this card: sweet and endearing | If you stab a person in the arm with a pencil you should always apologize afterwards: it's a societal rule. I'm on your side, obviously, but you know how people get worked up about these things. Remember, I'm only offering this guidance because I like you. So say sorry! (If you haven't stabbed someone in the arm yet, you should do that first.)
Concern Ecard with text: I am sorry, disappointed and perplexed that you did not find The Secret Life of Snails to be intensely erotic.
Concern Ecards view send
about this card: secret-life | This one time someone told me I was a bit weird and I told them they were a bit normal and then they looked at me as if I'd behaved like a dog on a croquet lawn. What's a man to do when nobody wants to be weird and nobody wants to be normal? My guess is that there's a fine line in there between and this card rests right there...
Thinking of You Ecard with text: I am treating you with caution until I am certain that you are not going to turn into one of that Jackal-Headed gods of Ancient Egypt, because I'm sick of investing myself in people and winding up feeling foolish.
Thinking of You Ecards view send
about this card: jackal head | I forgot to login to Facebook for two months. No ill-effects, although I don't think Bill Gate's mind control 5G towers are working on me as well as they used to. And I think the vaccine nanobots are on the blink. Still, I did do some renovations at Wrongcards.com, so that's some good news. Oh, and there's this card ...