You call it 'social anxiety', I call it a 'low threshhold for boring people and situations'.
Excuses. We all need to excuse ourselves occasionally from attending a party. Or abstain from doing something someone wants us to do because we don’t feel like it. Sometimes our excuses are sound enough. It’s just that our friends and family aren’t always reasonable people who understood that sometimes we don’t want to do what we’re told. Sometimes we’d rather drive nails into our legs than attend one of their awful, you know, events they plan. Dinners. Wine and Cheese Nights. Orgies. Such events with family can be a little distasteful. So these Excuses Cards should help you extricate yourself from said awkward scenarios. Some of them are even believable. They’re probably a little inappropriate but that’s what you get from free ecards, cheapskates.
If you're an introvert you know what a pest invitations can be. You're not shy, you just don't want to be there... alone, in a crowd, feeling your authenticity being eroded by the battery-acid of inauthentic social expectation. Where was I going with this - that's right: excuses. Forget plausible excuses, they can be rebutted. No, a sophisticated introvert knows to employ the implausible...
People often ask if I'm religious. Like any other rational, enlightened man I frequently dialog with Higher Powers. And once or twice I've made myself useful to Him, but why boast of it? He knows my door is always open (provided He doesn't eat all my snacks) and He can always turn to me for spiritual guidance, though I don't like it when He turns up when Bunheads is on.
I'm still in Granada, and just tried to order room service. I'm in a bit of a difficult mood so I tried to order swan. Black swan. They told me they didn't have black swan on the menu so I said I'd settle for an ordinary swan that had been dyed black. Even when I'm difficult I'm highly reasonable. But I'm not going to lie; this has nothing to do with today's card.
I´m sitting on a patio beneath a trellis crawling with lazy grape vines. To my left is a patchwork hill of olive trees and in front of me is a swimming pool. Someone just asked me to help sweep something or clean. I don´t know. I wasn´t listening. I just mention it to reveal how unrealistic people can be when it comes to human psychology. Especially mine.
Some days it's not all that apparent to me why I'm not on a beach somewhere. People should be handing me beverages and offers to relax me in fresh, imaginative ways. Some days I wonder if I took a wrong turn when I decided to base my career on the principle of being honest.
When they call my number at the Pearly Gates I expect my entry to be a shoe-in. This is not because I have led a conspicuously virtuous life but because of the disconcertingly high body count I have racked up killing demons in video-games. Also nazis, while I'm thinking about it. I've probably murdered half a bazillion symbolic demons and nazis - how is that not better than prayer?
It's a Friday, and there are all sorts of dreary social obligations standing between you and a good book. That's where our Excuses Cards can come in handy. By the way, I'm not suggesting that I definitely believe in werewolves. Besides, whenever I suspect that someone is a werewolf I keep it to myself. The last thing we need is a panic.
As an emotionally intelligent individual I’m aware that everybody makes mistakes. And I should know - I made a mistake once, a sad story that involves me sharing an ice cream that resulted in me having to eat less than half. Fortunately my fallibility makes me good at making excuses...
If I were a famous individual my name would be prefixed with the phrase 'The Famous Recluse'. I know that sounds grandiose but I don't see any point in being a humble recluse. So anyway I like to provide excuses to recluses. Example: today's card. If you want an unbelievable life, stop being believable right now, I say.
The solitary purpose of an Excuses Card is to extricate you from a social obligation. Just send a wrongcard and let me tell lies on your behalf. See? Your conscience is clear. And my conscience? I don't have one yet but I promise that a conscience is the first thing I'm going to buy when I'm rich.
Excuses cards are intended to help you evade unwanted social engagements. It's always better to send a card than to show up and discover you need to stab someone in the leg with a fork. Unless they're serving profiteroles - those can often be worth the fuss.
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