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Concerned Ecards
i need you back
People throw about the phrase 'a cry for help' pretty loosely in society these days - it's easy to get confused. I used to think wearing gumboots while not working in an agricultural capacity was a cry for help. See? If I can get confused, anyone can. Today's rehash Wednesday card is kind of a cry for help but trust me: for best results set a divan on fire.
chicken problems
Often my American co-workers ask me: 'who stole my keyboard?' And I just say to them: 'Why are you asking me? Is it Pick On The Australian Day? Ever heard of Cultural Sensitivity? Just because I'm a minority, descended from convicts, that automatically makes me a keyboard thief right?' After that, they apologize. And I give them back their keyboard.
redacted
I guess I was born to cheer people up. When someone is sad I remind them that they could die at any moment, perhaps at the hand of a someone they know, who pays for axes with cash, and is, moreover, familiar with the floor plan of their house. God clearly wants us all to be happy, so am I an act of God? I don't know, the Vatican is still ignoring my letters. Nice bureaucracy, guys.
bees
Whenever a person tells me they are depressed I suggest they bake some muffins. I tell them research indicates that baking increases production of the monoamine neurotransmitter 5-hydroxytryptamine (serotonin). It's not true, I just like muffins. If bees were an ingredient in muffins then this post would be slightly less tangential.
badly calibrated
One of the things that makes apologizing so enjoyable is that people always believe me. Once I set fire to someone's couch and, even though I was doing them a huge favor (it had a floral print), things were tense until I said sorry. That's why it's childish not to say sorry. Next week I'm setting fire to their new couch because it's brown and I'll say sorry again. Maturity doesn't mean 'boring'.
my problems
Due to a speech impediment I developed as a child, for many years I was unable to say the words 'thank you' without gnawing on someone's leg. However, after I got over my subconscious fear of invisible silent Qs in words, I found I was finally able to express gratitude verbally. I'd be thanking people all the the time if it wasn't such a sign of weakness.
hallucinated
Whenever I apologize to someone I always try to make it sound heartfelt and sincere. I believe the best way of sounding heartfelt and sincere is the employment of a giraffe sock puppet. If you don't own one, ask the person to whom you are apologizing to simply imagine you have one on your hand. You should also warn them that the giraffe is a bit 'bitey'. Just in case your apology isn't good enough for them.
clowns and logic
What is Christmas about, anyway? For me it's about inspiring others to be better. As an inspirational figure I want to remind you all that there are people in the world who, for reasons of ethnicity, don't celebrate Christmas. You should reach out to them and make them feel bad about that, so maybe next year they WILL celebrate Christmas, and maybe buy us both presents. Man that'd be cool.
extremely inexpensive
Most of my friends are not going to live through the impending Mayan Doomsday because they simply refuse to take my 'stop, drop and roll' drills seriously. So I'm accepting their impending deaths stoically in advance. I'm not that sad actually, possibly because I've been making sympathy cards to send to myself. Emotional intelligence makes life easier.
extrapolation
You all know that I hate to boast but the fact is that I'm really good at logic. The only thing that stops me from writing a book called 'How To Defeat Everybody With Logic' is the worrying fact that I still occasionally see zebras following me around that nobody else can see. And Katie Couric would ask me about it during the interview and I'd have no response. Plus I'm also in love with Katie Couric.