Or more accurately, ecards for NOT showing concern. It's all very subjective, really.
People often ask if I'm religious. Like any other rational, enlightened man I frequently dialog with Higher Powers. And once or twice I've made myself useful to Him, but why boast of it? He knows my door is always open (provided He doesn't eat all my snacks) and He can always turn to me for spiritual guidance, though I don't like it when He turns up when Bunheads is on.
On Wednesdays I typically like to post an older card you might not have seen yet and then I spend the rest of the day posting pages and pages of random numbers to random postal addresses over in eastern Afghanistan and north-west Pakistan. It'll probably drive a couple of people at the CIA completely nuts. You know, I wasn't like this at all until the government cancelled Gilmore Girls.
I'm still in Granada, and just tried to order room service. I'm in a bit of a difficult mood so I tried to order swan. Black swan. They told me they didn't have black swan on the menu so I said I'd settle for an ordinary swan that had been dyed black. Even when I'm difficult I'm highly reasonable. But I'm not going to lie; this has nothing to do with today's card.
The thing about sick people is they give off fumes which are made up of tiny animals. You can't see them with the naked eye but, if inhaled, they get inside your blood and try to kill you. Also - people with optimistic attitudes have better defenses. That's why you have to cheer up sick people - it makes them less toxic. I've always been good at science.
I´m sitting on a patio beneath a trellis crawling with lazy grape vines. To my left is a patchwork hill of olive trees and in front of me is a swimming pool. Someone just asked me to help sweep something or clean. I don´t know. I wasn´t listening. I just mention it to reveal how unrealistic people can be when it comes to human psychology. Especially mine.
Yesterday I stepped onto a plane and half a day later I was in Granada, Spain. I shall be here for three weeks. I am not fully prepared so I don't know how to say in Spanish, "look, officer, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this and.. look behind you! A three-headed monkey!" But there's no need to be prepared if you're good at apology...
I had a responsibility once. Most harrowing four minutes of my life. When the old lady came back and thanked me for minding her groceries I was covered in a dread-laden sweat. I don't need to learn a lesson twice - I've been skirting responsibilities ever since. So even though I want to be an inspiration to you all, I can't teach you this stuff. Have you guys SEEN a calendar? Stressful...
Sometimes I know I have erred. I'll be surrounded by security guards, plastic zip-ties around my wrists, and my grandmother will be explaining 'me' to them over the phone. I have learned, for instance, that banks are not optimum places to play paint ball (though I still think we'd all appreciate some signage). Point? When in error, I apologize. Apologies are how I start the next game...
Some days it's not all that apparent to me why I'm not on a beach somewhere. People should be handing me beverages and offers to relax me in fresh, imaginative ways. Some days I wonder if I took a wrong turn when I decided to base my career on the principle of being honest.
When they call my number at the Pearly Gates I expect my entry to be a shoe-in. This is not because I have led a conspicuously virtuous life but because of the disconcertingly high body count I have racked up killing demons in video-games. Also nazis, while I'm thinking about it. I've probably murdered half a bazillion symbolic demons and nazis - how is that not better than prayer?
"Why did you just take a photo of me?" he asked. "Who knows why I do anything?" I replied. "Just don't be putting me in any more wrongcards." "I'd never do that," I said firmly. "You did one that said I smoked weed at work." "Maybe it was your imaginary friend," I said. "I don't have one," he replied. "Funny you should think that..."
I believe that anyone can be rich, whether you're a teacher or a nurse, provided you work very, very hard in your job and your family got a head start in railways, oil fields or early 20th Century luxury hotels. But every rule should be issued with a disclaimer so here is mine. BTW - in case nobody has said it to you yet: Happy Tuesday!