Categories
Dark Humor
Because sometimes it's good to mix it up.
pointy hats
These are exciting times for me. The current pope is resigning, for reasons that an internal Vatican inquiry has declared entirely unrelated to my letters, and so obviously I'm focused on my resume and cover letter right now. I'm emphasizing that I've watched every episode of The Borgias, and that hardly any Cardinals will be poisoned or blackmailed. I'm going to win this.
capitol idea
Whenever people say to me "I don't like to discuss politics" I always assume they're just being polite about being politically clueless and inviting me to instruct them on what to believe. This would probably be an unsound approach if I wasn't really good at understanding the universal truths of the world. I'm also good at understanding social-cues, puzzles and collecting wasps in jars.
evolution
One of my daily challenges is the fact that I understand politics better than everybody else. I already know who will win the US election - some really rich Americans who live in Monaco and Switzerland. Normal Americans who live inside the United States won't fare so well, of course, but at least they'll get to have some interesting arguments among themselves at Thanksgiving.
shot put
I used to be quite the athlete back in high school though I had a far less restrained conception of 'competitive' than other students. I probably would have gone pro if the lawyers hadn't shown up talking legalese and waving restraining orders around. Forced into retirement early I guess. Doctors said that sport wasn't for me. Minor ankle injury and a penchant for lighting fires. Whatever.
synchronized swimming
There was a time when our troubled relationship with the International Olympic Committee still had a chance. In retrospect I think the turning point came when we showed them this card. 'Cause about ten seconds later one them threw a mango at me. Seriously, who does that? Some of those IOC guys can be really immature when confronted with Art.
unsung heroes
So here's a tip: if you should ever find yourself at a dinner table with some senior IOC officials, don't mention the sentiments of today's wrongcard. They'll blither at you in fluent Belgian or Swiss (or whatever that jibber-jabber was), storm out and leave you with the check. Trust me: it's a good thing I can climb through bathroom windows.
weight-lifting
Before the complete breakdown in communication between Wrongcards and the International Olympic Committee (around the time our cards went from being the 'official' to 'unofficial' cards of the Games) we had the idea to make cards explaining each Event. The IOC didn't like it, of course, partisan and revisionist organization that they are...
greco roman wrestling
You probably haven't heard but the Olympic Games start tomorrow. The Games can be a bewildering time for all of us; people you thought you knew well suddenly reveal they are experts on the topic of discus throwing, though you've never heard them mention discus before in their lives. And, all at once, water polo matters to people. Weird, right? Don't worry. I'll explain everything...
ray
I'm one of the unlucky few who didn't receive any religious instruction as a kid, so I can't speak with any conviction about who goes to hell and who doesn't. So I just assume that hell is filled with people pointing at each other and saying they are going to hell. If I've learned anything from refusing to believe anything people say it is probably this: that heaven is for the heterodox.
shouty man
The American election process lasts about three years out of every four and costs roughly four bazillion dollars. Last time there was an election the Nobel Prize committee was so terrified of one of the candidates they gave away a peace prize to the other guy just for beating him. I've looked at your candidates and if you want my advice I think you should all learn how to grow your own food.
voting
It's voting time in the US and there have been some requests for some election coverage here. The only problem is that, well, voting is a deeply divisive issue. Some are in favor of voting, others are against, and some are in favor of voting hundreds of times. I'd only do the latter if the bloke has particularly nice hair.
transubstantiation
I've never known much about religion. I guess I'm agnostic because I don't want to wind up having to look surprised. Sadly, having a foot in both camps just means everyone feels obligated to preach at you. Today's card is about the Eating of the Eucharist. It's my way of coping with being recently told that it's not a biscuit.