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Christmas Ecards

Christmas cards

Ecard text: So some Italians nailed a pacifist, anti-materialist Jewish guy to a few planks and now we celebrate his birthday with a shopping spree. And while this is not considered tactless, it is considered tactless to mention it.
On Wednesdays I like to post an older card but occasionally I'll look at my calendar and notice that everyone has skipped a day by accident. On Thursdays I like to lurk behind doors and hiss at passers by. It's not very Christmassy but, like everybody else, irrational traditions have always played an important part in my life.
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Christmas cards

Ecard text: 'Merry Christmas, and always remember: you can celebrate Christmas all year round if you know how to shoplift.'
Christmas is a time for families. I was raised by my Nanna but she's dead now, though she still appears occasionally in my kitchen at odd hours of the night to howl and gesture menacingly at me. No idea what that's about. At Christmas we would decorate her pet lizards and hook them up to car-batteries to make them dance for us. It was so much fun to be a kid! No idea why I grew up really.
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Christmas cards

Ecard text: I dont want you to get me a Christmas present. I want to sit there on Christmas day looking at you in disbelief that you believed that I didnt want a Christmas present.
Most of us have been busy practicing our Pre-Apocalypse Stop, Drop and Roll Survival Drills so that we might outlive our more 'skeptical' friends. I can't wait to see the surprise on their faces when they're strafed by Pernicious Tabby Cats in Flying Saucers, which is how I suspect the Apocalypse will pan out. I'm usually right about stuff. I'll see you guys at the Christmas looting, ok?!
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Christmas cards

Ecard text: santa is real. and im going to prove it.
On Wednesdays in December I like to post an older card, then I meditate backwards through time and space. Once I traveled back to '02 and had coffee with myself. I tried to convince me that gum boots would be fashionable in 10 years but I didn't believe me. Actually, I haven't believed anything my Future Self has said for about a decade now.
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Christmas cards

Ecard text: St Nicholas was accompanied by a demon who kidnapped and ate bad little children. Look, did you want an authentic Christmas or not?
I've seen the piles of prose penned by prominent pundits in the remainders sections of book stores; there's a Culture War raging on the streets and even Our Christmas Traditions are under attack. Well we're not here to simply offer tasteful ecards - we're here to enlighten civilization. When your Grandchildren ask: where were you during the Culture Wars? you can reply: at Wrongcards...
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Christmas cards

Ecard text: It is an increasingly common practice to put an elf doll in children's bedrooms. A supernatural doll that gathers data on their ethical performance. Former Russian KGB officers are probably kicking themselves.
I watch Bill O'Reilly so I know that the widespread lack of belief in Santa can be explained as a plot against Christmas by liberal elites. Sometimes I'm not certain though. I tortured this elf in my bedroom for more information, and I'm very good at that, but so far he's given up nothing. I feel like I've failed all of you.
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