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Thanksgiving Greetings
You know, some of these Thanksgiving messages are almost semi-appropriate.
What is Thanksgiving? Well, it started when a bunch of really cool Americans fed some illegal immigrants from Europe. Now, these illegals – some radical religious extremists with a penchant for wearing amusing hats – got drunk and kept calling the Americans ‘Indians’. Obviously, that heinously rude, but the Americans were cool about it, so to commemorate the spirit of their hospitality, the descendants of those very same illegal immigrants now dine once every year with a bunch of people they personally do not like.
In my opinion, the best way to celebrate the holiday is alone, whilst eating an entire pizza. That way, you don’t have to share the pizza. In my opinion, there is nothing worse than being expected to share pizza (except maybe having to share ice cream). A better way to celebrate Thanksgiving, I’m told, is with friends. Friendsgiving, it’s called. Fairly self-explanatory, though personally I’m not a big of the idea. See previous remarks about sharing pizza. Nonethless, I hope you all enjoy the holiday, and I hope you enjoyed this happy Thanksgiving message. See you on another holiday…
thanksgiving turkey
"Thanksgiving started when a bunch of Americans fed some half-starved illegal immigrants. The illegals, a bunch of religious extremists who liked to wear amusing hats, got drunk and kept calling the Americans 'Indians' for a joke. The Americans were cool about it though and, to commemorate that fact, the descendants of those illegal immigrants dine once a year with a bunch of people they don't like." (This is why people don't invite me to Thanksgiving anymore).
thanksgiving excuse
It's ALMOST AMERICAN THANKSGIVING. And this card? I created it in 2012 - SEVEN YEARS AGO! It wasn't supposed to be all that relevant. I mean this is Wrongcards not TOTALLY-PRESCIENT-CARDS. Also in 2012, I predicted that the Mayans were wrong and the world wouldn't end around Christmas. I did not, however, predict the rise of gumboots as a fashion accessory. But only because I'm sane.
sacrifice
I'm not American but I live in Boston and have learned some of your customs. I know that Thanksgiving is about men sitting about watching sport all day while women cook for them. I have to admit this barbaric cultural practice does offend my modern sensibilities but I guess it's just a tradition that predates our contemporary awareness that men are better cooks than women.
keep it interesting
On Wednesdays I like to post an older card and then spend the rest of the day not setting fire to things. Honestly I can't even remember the last time I even TRIED to summon a glorious, whirling chaos demon via the profane rites of fire worship. I promise you: my stamp collection is becoming pretty rad.
simple genetics
I watch TV, so I consider myself pretty well-informed. So I know that Thanksgiving started in America but, like baseball, it just hasn't really taken off anywhere else. When you're saying what you're grateful for, remember to keep it random. "I'm thankful for surviving the Walrus Incident" should keep them guessing.
calm rational people
I'm not American but I live in Boston. Thanksgiving is a lovely holiday that celebrates family life with good food and confusing games of football. I don't like the tradition of forcing foreign male guests to sleep with all the old ladies present but it's your holiday and I respect local customs even when I don't understand them.
invite the natives
special feelings
damnedest things
later they will say
turkey fondling
Yes I know it makes your parents uncomfortable but you said no more politics and besides, isn't it time we as a society had a conversation about turkey fondlers? Look, I know you say it's not a good time but you always say that and - Thanksgiving? I mean the topic just suggests itself! If your extended family is too immature to discuss turkey fondling, then fine but I don't know why I try so hard.