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Just Because Ecards
zombie realism
I've always had a very firm grasp on reality. The reason is that when I was twelve I witnessed my sister's abduction by extraterrestrials from our family home on Martha's Vineyard, which drove me to join the FBI where I investigated unsolved cases alongside a pretty, red-haired forensic pathologist. You don't have to believe me: the truth is out there.
positive things
I don't remember drawing a picture of a severed clown head on a spear. But I must have, because here it is. Published in 2013 as an inspirational card. And I have absolutely no recollection of doing it, either. Anyway, yet another reason I won't do therapy. Because I'd have to talk about this sort of thing.
gnomes and fear
Increasingly I allow myself to be persuaded that garden gnomes are probably not real - because somehow it seems to matter to the people around me - but the fact is their existence still doesn't make a lot of sense. Why would somebody intentionally make garden gnomes? And why isn't the government doing anything to stop them? And when did we all decide not to ask these questions?!
stegosaurus
'Sometimes people say they are sad and they list off their reasons for being sad and I think to myself: these are good reasons to feel sad, but I have some better ones. I guess that if someone is feeling melancholy then, well, why should it be for amateurish reasons? It's called 'seizing the teachable moment'. And you guys? You don't pay me enough.'
pretending pinata
I've always wanted to have a psychiatrist who lasts more than one session. But after my hour is up they tend to be anxious to refer me to someone else. Or they disappear, forcing me to break into their house and read their private correspondence in order to track them down. One guy is in a sanatorium in Geneva. I'm wearing that dude's slippers.
so i am not delusional
I'm not a contentious person because everyone always ends up agreeing with me - at least eventually. Here at Wrongcards I like to stick to safe topics like religion, which reminds me of why I called the site 'wrongcards' in the first place: because I'm right about stuff and people are wrong, though they'll get there eventually which is why I like everyone. Also God told me to call it that.
its all lies
Some of my closest friends are managers. It's a perfectly respectable job, especially for people who are unable to do anything else. And I get along fine with managers, once they've learned how much easier it is to not ask me questions, like: 'what is it you do here, Che?' or 'why won't you give me back those compromising photos?' On the whole I'd be bored without them.
chinese restaurants
I want to go to India one day; I love the food and the people seem really nice, despite Hollywood making them out to be violent, tomahawk-wielding lunatics who'll attack anyone in a cowboy hat. But then, I'm a worldly, cosmopolitan sort of guy. And one time I ate Chinese food. Cooked by a retired warlord called General Tso. My life is amazing!
workplace honesty
Writing work emails is easy. First, I write what I have to say on a piece of paper, then I carefully set fire to that paper and stamp the ashes into oblivion. Then I take a muscle relaxant, sit down at my desk and type up the opposite of what I wrote on the paper and click send. Finally I stab my childhood teddy bear in the head with a pair of scissors.
role playing game
The thing about wasps is that you can chant at them and, if they like you, they'll form themselves into a calm sentient pillar in the shape of a person, like a golem, and do your bidding, and carry out certain tasks, like paying the pizza guy or seeing off unwanted visitors. I don't know how people can be sad in such a marvellous world.