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Home Ecards
i need you back
People throw about the phrase 'a cry for help' pretty loosely in society these days - it's easy to get confused. I used to think wearing gumboots while not working in an agricultural capacity was a cry for help. See? If I can get confused, anyone can. Today's rehash Wednesday card is kind of a cry for help but trust me: for best results set a divan on fire.
weird noises
It's fine to be quietly afraid of werewolves but nobody worries about wereferrets, do they? A werewolf is big, you can see it padding down the road but a wereferret is small, thus hard to see as it drops from overhead branches. Imagine the fluid grace of it gnashing through the air, fastening onto major artery. Imagine the horror. I'd like to add that today's card is about babies.
chicken problems
Often my American co-workers ask me: 'who stole my keyboard?' And I just say to them: 'Why are you asking me? Is it Pick On The Australian Day? Ever heard of Cultural Sensitivity? Just because I'm a minority, descended from convicts, that automatically makes me a keyboard thief right?' After that, they apologize. And I give them back their keyboard.
chinese restaurants
I want to go to India one day; I love the food and the people seem really nice, despite Hollywood making them out to be violent, tomahawk-wielding lunatics who'll attack anyone in a cowboy hat. But then, I'm a worldly, cosmopolitan sort of guy. And one time I ate Chinese food. Cooked by a retired warlord called General Tso. My life is amazing!
stephen hawking
I forgot I'd created a 'celebrity' category so I thought I'd do a card for it. This one is about Stephen Hawking. I like him allot but disagree with him about black holes; though I suppose my 'bird droppings on the lenses of telescopes' idea is still only a theorem too. As you know, the jury is still out on science but I am making scientific friends just in case they turn out to be right.
traditional easter
Today is Good Friday. I don't know what Good Friday is about because I haven't read the Bible yet but I have, of course, discerned that there was a lot in the Bible about how much Jesus liked chocolate eggs. If I was a messiah everyone would be setting fire to clowns, then sitting about eating pudding afterwards. But chocolate eggs are okay I guess.
workplace honesty
Writing work emails is easy. First, I write what I have to say on a piece of paper, then I carefully set fire to that paper and stamp the ashes into oblivion. Then I take a muscle relaxant, sit down at my desk and type up the opposite of what I wrote on the paper and click send. Finally I stab my childhood teddy bear in the head with a pair of scissors.
easter psa
I’m in San Francisco writing a script for a Canadian TV adaption of Breaking Bad. The story is set in Alberta. The lead character gets cancer, receives free government healthcare, makes a full recovery and lots of nice friends. I really tried to put a rabbit into the story but it kept touching balloon animals inappropriately. Rabbits. They're so wrong.,
sky wizard
I like Easter. It's a time in which I feel a great kinship with everyone because now, more than any other time of year, people are glancing at each other, thinking, 'wait a minute, does this make any sense to you?' In other news I'm going to San Francisco tomorrow and, if you're there, you are welcome to buy me tea. Kidnappers need not apply.
redacted
I guess I was born to cheer people up. When someone is sad I remind them that they could die at any moment, perhaps at the hand of a someone they know, who pays for axes with cash, and is, moreover, familiar with the floor plan of their house. God clearly wants us all to be happy, so am I an act of God? I don't know, the Vatican is still ignoring my letters. Nice bureaucracy, guys.