If you think ecards and greeting cards are - at best - insipid, mass-produced tokens of insincere sentiment, then I like you. And also, welcome to Wrongcards.
These are exciting times for me. The current pope is resigning, for reasons that an internal Vatican inquiry has declared entirely unrelated to my letters, and so obviously I'm focused on my resume and cover letter right now. I'm emphasizing that I've watched every episode of The Borgias, and that hardly any Cardinals will be poisoned or blackmailed. I'm going to win this.
"Love is like a rhinoceros wearing a saddle..." Sometimes I'm on fire, and I don't mean when I'm playing with kerosene and a lighter. My doctor says it's because I have a better grasp of reality than most. He stops by occasionally and counsels me and I'm helping him work through some issues with being dead and invisible to his loved ones. Share this card, it has good advice.
'Gentlemen, bad news: Valentines Day is gonna happen any second now. Ladies, yay, you're about to receive a lot of Hallmark nonsense and a bunch of chocolate that you know in your heart is going to go straight to your hips. Puppies? For you, nothing changes, you're still the best things on the planet and I wish there were more of you.'
Due to a speech impediment I developed as a child, for many years I was unable to say the words 'thank you' without gnawing on someone's leg. However, after I got over my subconscious fear of invisible silent Qs in words, I found I was finally able to express gratitude verbally. I'd be thanking people all the the time if it wasn't such a sign of weakness.
If you know someone who is having a birthday right now you have to send them today's wrongcard. Because it's, like, Providence or something that this card should appear in your life and you have to do it. To ignore Providence is like ignoring God. And we don't do that, okay, because there will be floods and I'll have to build an Ark. If I build an Ark I'm not inviting any bears on-board. Screw that.
It's been years since we published a reminder card, and that's only because we forgot - and there's no better reason for not doing something than that! The second best reason for not doing something is, of course, 'bears'. The sound you just heard in your head? That was just me dropping the mic and walking off-stage.
Even though I've played every Grand Theft Auto game to death, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts still refuses to issue me with a driver's license. And while I will concede that I don't know how to drive a car, why are they singling ME out?! Whatever. I'm over it. If you ever ride public transport in Boston and hear an Australian guy talking about garden gnomes, come over and say hi...
Anteaters were once thought to be related to aardvarks but they turned out to be related to sloths and armadillos. I have never seem an anteater but I've seen several wombats. Anteaters aren't related to wombats but I don't see any reason why they wouldn't get along. Today's re-hash Wednesday card is dedicated to any anteater reading this.
I'm going to go ahead and admit that there aren't many Family Wrongcards yet. Ever since my own family died in an unsuspicious fire that happened while I was on the other side of town making a speech in front of several eyewitnesses, I don't like to think about family. Still, you have to admit it's an institution. And it's incredibly beautiful, the way it dances. Sometimes I think fire is a god.
In the workplace I'm quiet and keep to myself unless I'm engaged in workplace activism like organizing lunchtime hunger-strikes for a Free Tibet or for Free Bagels, or petitioning for departmental cage fights. I got the janitors to go on strike. That's right, they're not taking any more rubbish. Just a little joke. Sometimes I'm not very serious.
Planet Earth has been a blast lately. On the positive side, everybody has jumped on the 'Socially Isolating Yourself' bandwagon; guys, I've actually been doing that my entire life! I even built an entire website to help people become more socially isolated. You can just share cards like this with people and you're done. You don't even need to pretend to sell Essential Oils any more.
'Love makes us great! Example: if Lance Armstrong hadn't been so in love with fame and money he wouldn't have frauded his way to a 100+ million dollar fortune. See? That's not logic, that's romance! Like Lance I'm a wildly romantic person too, though it's tempered with a sensible streak of feminism so when on a date I let the chick buy my meal. I also haven't cried on Oprah yet but I'll get to that.'