If you think ecards and greeting cards are - at best - insipid, mass-produced tokens of insincere sentiment, then I like you. And also, welcome to Wrongcards.
It's a good rule of thumb that you should always be nice to other people or else they won't give you a piece of cake on their birthdays. You can elect not to be nice and instead sneak into their houses and eat their cake while they're sleeping but take it from me, Cake Burgling is not the caper-filled dream job that we all grew up hoping it would be. So be nice to people today, okay? And send this card to someone!
Whenever I apologize to someone I always try to make it sound heartfelt and sincere. I believe the best way of sounding heartfelt and sincere is the employment of a giraffe sock puppet. If you don't own one, ask the person to whom you are apologizing to simply imagine you have one on your hand. You should also warn them that the giraffe is a bit 'bitey'. Just in case your apology isn't good enough for them.
Sometimes I like to re-evaluate myself as an individual and, when I do, I like to give myself 10 out of 10 for self-critical-ness. I'm a simple guy who always tells the truth except if I don't feel like it or get carried away, which is pretty rare but it does happen when I'm at George Clooney's place. I'm not his coolest friend but he's like, 'Kris - you're in my top three'. So that's why I'm happy today.
Late again with the New Year's Celebrations, China?" has really annoyed some people in the past. One time, I responded to a complaint about it with the observation that they shouldn't feel so insecure, "especially considering how China had given the world so much, like sushi, origami and ninjas." If I haven't mentioned it lately, I really like my job.
I had a lot of goals this year. Disproving alchemy. Giving someone a brain aneurysm using only logic. Overcoming my habit of stealing zoo animals whenever I feel sad. Anyway. I didn't achieve any of my goals. I was right about knowing how to survive the Mayan Apocalypse though so that's cool. Happy New Years, peoples!
On Wednesdays I like to post an older card but occasionally I'll look at my calendar and notice that everyone has skipped a day by accident. On Thursdays I like to lurk behind doors and hiss at passers by. It's not very Christmassy but, like everybody else, irrational traditions have always played an important part in my life.
Christmas is a time for families. I was raised by my Nanna but she's dead now, though she still appears occasionally in my kitchen at odd hours of the night to howl and gesture menacingly at me. No idea what that's about. At Christmas we would decorate her pet lizards and hook them up to car-batteries to make them dance for us. It was so much fun to be a kid! No idea why I grew up really.
Most of us have been busy practicing our Pre-Apocalypse Stop, Drop and Roll Survival Drills so that we might outlive our more 'skeptical' friends. I can't wait to see the surprise on their faces when they're strafed by Pernicious Tabby Cats in Flying Saucers, which is how I suspect the Apocalypse will pan out. I'm usually right about stuff. I'll see you guys at the Christmas looting, ok?!
On Wednesdays in December I like to post an older card, then I meditate backwards through time and space. Once I traveled back to '02 and had coffee with myself. I tried to convince me that gum boots would be fashionable in 10 years but I didn't believe me. Actually, I haven't believed anything my Future Self has said for about a decade now.
What is Christmas about, anyway? For me it's about inspiring others to be better. As an inspirational figure I want to remind you all that there are people in the world who, for reasons of ethnicity, don't celebrate Christmas. You should reach out to them and make them feel bad about that, so maybe next year they WILL celebrate Christmas, and maybe buy us both presents. Man that'd be cool.
We've been talking a lot about Christmas here lately but let's not forget that Jews also have a Christmas celebration (called Kawanza) that happens sometime between November and February I think. I read that jewish priests ordained it as a sin for Jews to exchange presents, but I'm sure no one will get in trouble if they just send Jewish wrongcards instead.
Most of my friends are not going to live through the impending Mayan Doomsday because they simply refuse to take my 'stop, drop and roll' drills seriously. So I'm accepting their impending deaths stoically in advance. I'm not that sad actually, possibly because I've been making sympathy cards to send to myself. Emotional intelligence makes life easier.