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Home Ecards
willingness to learn
I'll go ahead and admit it: today's card is silly. Usually I like to keep things pretty serious here because we live in grave, uncertain times and I don't want anyone to think I'm a frivolous person. Still, I can joke about cosmetic surgery because I'd never spoil a surprise. People love surprises. 'Wake up! While you were sleeping I fixed your nose! Now you have two!' I am awesome at friendship...
dead fanatic
Like everyone else here, I like to live according to the whims and moral sensibilities of the dead. Countless times I've paused before eating a bun and wondered what St. Gabriel would have to say about its scarcity of raisins. St. Gabriel is the patron saint of communicators (but still the Vatican communicates via smoke signals?!). St. Patrick? I think he hated snakes or something
untraditional
400 years ago Boston was a drop-off point for a religious sect who frowned upon the entire concept of pleasure. But nowadays Bostonians all swear they're from Ireland. I was pretty skeptical they had any Irish ancestry at all until presented with the irrefutable evidence of green socks on St. Patricks Day. Thank God. I thought they were all mad...
uncontentious
I was raised by my Nanna, a sort of road-side shaman who drank a lot alcohol-based solvents and read the entrails of demon clowns to divine the future. She believed strongly in the institution of family, which is why she kidnapped me as a baby in the first place. Otherwise I'd have been eaten by the alien lizards. Today's card is for those of you in less fortunate family situations.
role playing game
The thing about wasps is that you can chant at them and, if they like you, they'll form themselves into a calm sentient pillar in the shape of a person, like a golem, and do your bidding, and carry out certain tasks, like paying the pizza guy or seeing off unwanted visitors. I don't know how people can be sad in such a marvellous world.
bees
Whenever a person tells me they are depressed I suggest they bake some muffins. I tell them research indicates that baking increases production of the monoamine neurotransmitter 5-hydroxytryptamine (serotonin). It's not true, I just like muffins. If bees were an ingredient in muffins then this post would be slightly less tangential.
catholic vegetarian
My Grandmother taught me everything there is to know about world religions, ie. lizards from space have infiltrated all world governments, we're part of the resistance, and all other religious beliefs are crazy. She taught me to be tolerant, and believe in all religions, except when they contradict the stuff about lizards because that's just CIA disinformation to test our faith. Hi Nanna!
gender tact
I never know the right thing to say but I've never let that stop me. When it comes to babies it's like quantum principles are involved. It's all projection, probability, wave-forms and misbehaving mathematics. You can send this card to any expecting parent and know you've covered all bases. If they get weird and serious about it blame it all on hormones.
badly calibrated
One of the things that makes apologizing so enjoyable is that people always believe me. Once I set fire to someone's couch and, even though I was doing them a huge favor (it had a floral print), things were tense until I said sorry. That's why it's childish not to say sorry. Next week I'm setting fire to their new couch because it's brown and I'll say sorry again. Maturity doesn't mean 'boring'.
mysophobic
'Every Wednesday I post an older card, then I watch TV so corporations can tell me which foods to eat through the next year, and where to buy their diabetes meds the year after that, and which politician they think is most cooperative. Also: did you know how much bacteria is in your bathroom? If you're not worried then the germs have already won.'