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page 23

Home Ecards

Celebration Concerned Dark Humor Family Holiday Jewish Just Because Love
Mother's Day Ecard with text: Happy Mothers Day. There is no greater proof of my affection for you than the fact that I never set fire to a rival sibling, no matter how funny it would have been.

proof

I'm ignoring our re-hash Wednesday tradition and posting a new card today because, well, I have the power to do so and because I am the boss. Being a boss is like being a king except instead of bringing you courtesans they bring you tea. Today's card is about Mother's Day. I'm sorry I mentioned courtesans before. Sometimes I say things that are a little bit inappropriate. It's a bit of a secret.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day Ecard with text: Happy Mothers Day. Thank you for raising me to be someone around whom cats are very safe, no matter how amorous I might be feeling.

cat safety

I had a pretty normal childhood even though I was raised by my Nanna after my parents were kidnapped by lizard people. Nanna was in the underground before our side surrendered, and she had to live in 'psychic hiding' (constant inebriation) to avoid detection by mind scanners. So coming up with Mothers Day cards is, of course, a bit tricky. But what I like about this card is that it is reassuring.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day Ecard with text: I think you are a way better mother than Queen Elizabeth II, who promised her son would be king and then hung around living for a million years instead. Because you didn't promise me anything.

queen

People often say to me: 'Who are you?! And how did you get in here?' And I say: 'Sorry, wrong house!' and apologize for eating their yogurt. People also say to me, 'you're a good son, your mother must be proud!' and then I have to explain that I was raised by my grandmother who fed me lizards. And people wonder why I like the taste of yogurt so much.

Mother's Day

Baby Ecard with text: If you don't like your first-born, it's useful keeping him or her around because it can be useful in supernatural transactions.

transactions

Congratulating people whenever they contribute to the human over-population problem is an important, profitable niche in the greeting card market. I may suck at inventing business concepts (cards that you shouldn't send to anyone?) but I'm going all out to meet my professional obligations today.

Baby

CheerUp Ecard with text: Bad news. I've been talking to your imaginary friend and he doesn't like you anymore and anyway, now he's MY imaginary friend.

bad news

'Why did you just take a photo of me?' he asked. 'Who knows why I do anything?' I replied. 'Just don't be putting me in any more wrongcards.' 'I would never do that,' I said firmly. 'You did one that said I smoked weed at work.' 'Maybe it was your imaginary friend,' I said. 'I don't have one,' he replied. 'Funny you should think that...'

CheerUp

Birthday Ecard with text: You have left the mainstream experience, you are disuniting from the collective, you are undergoing dissociation. Happy Birthday.

birthday zebra

'But do you understand it?' I asked a friend. He said, 'I am seeing a birthday zebra that's troubled by its temporary individuality, isolation and detachment, but will happily return to the unremarkable anonymity of herd experience tomorrow'. I looked at him and said: 'Actually I just wanted to draw a zebra.'

Birthday

TGIF Ecard with text: Thank God it's Friday and my rich inner life has not yet come to the attention of upper management.

rich inner life

'People say to me: Kris - how do you do it? I say 'hard work and nothing more'. But the truth is that everything pretty much depends on Human Resources not paying too much attention to me. Happy Friday you lot.'

TGIF

Workplace Ecard with text: I am sorry about how I acted at work but in my defense I was pretty stoned most of the day. i did take the time to do some pretty wicked origami though.

just stoned

'On Wednesdays I like to post a slightly older card and then I invariably I do something practical, like my taxes. I always put a dead bird into the envelope I send to the IRS - when they call me up about it I say it was an accident. FYI: federal employees are not paid enough to audit people who accidentally mail dead animals to them. I'm here to help.'

Workplace

Reminders Ecard with text: 'Hard work never killed anyone. Except in cases where the job was STRESSFUL because long-term activation of the stress-response system, and the subsequent over-exposure to cortisol and other stress hormones. Heart disease. Risk of Death. Also: avoid bears.'

disclaimer

I believe that anyone can be rich, whether you're a teacher or a nurse, provided you work very, very hard in your job and your family got a head start in railways, oil fields or early 20th Century luxury hotels. But every rule should be issued with a disclaimer so here is mine. BTW - in case nobody has said it to you yet: Happy Tuesday!

Reminders

Thinking of You Ecard with text: I’m not telling you why I am angry with you because I don’t want “communication” to rob our relationship of its mystery.

communication

I've never been a person who makes up excuses but that has never been my fault. Usually I was too busy, or a thing came up, or I had to stay late or I was volunteering at a hospital helping nurses put on stockings. But nowadays I think 'inventing excuses' is my calling. I'd like to elaborate further but there's a helicopter waiting to take me to the White House. Look, my life is complicated.

Thinking of You

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