If you think ecards and greeting cards are - at best - insipid, mass-produced tokens of insincere sentiment, then I like you. And also, welcome to Wrongcards.
Christmas is nigh. Little orphans are peddling old shoes. Mums are smoking broken pencils and Dads are drinking turpentine and waving tire irons at invisible winged-snakes again. I know, I know - even I get maudlin and sentimental around this time of year. To be honest, I don't really understand today's card. But then, I don't really understand most of the things I say...
"What are you getting me for Christmas?" she asked. , "A card," I replied., "Because you own a greeting card company, right?" , "That's right. If I give you a card I get to save money.", "Great." , "It is pretty cool," I agreed. , "Well, at least promise me it'll be a traditional Christmas card, with deer on it or something.", "I promise."
People often say I'm too serious, but I have so many responsibilities! I run one of the most influential and socially responsible websites on Earth! It's Christmas and I should burning tires in my living room and making up a batch of Nanna's lizard soup but here I am drawing pictures of snowmen for all you reckless people who think snowmen are safe to be around. Look at me, Nanna, saving the world again...
Santa. He 'knows when you've been bad or good'. That's quite an accomplishment, Santa, thanks very much. Good to know someone is keeping a watchful eye on me. But then again maybe, if you pay too much attention to what a man is doing in his private life, you might get a bit distracted and accidentally tumble down a flight of stairs. , , I'm only looking out for you, Santa.
The problem with Christmas is that children are too confident about the whole thing. They're tottering around all cool and jaded, basically because you never taught them to fear Krampus the Christmas Demon. So thanks to your bad parenting kids don't believe in demons and now they're out of control! Well, don't worry - I can help you out. Sure, they don't believe in demons but you know something they do believe in? Leopards. You're welcome.
Christmas isn't just a capitalist holiday - there's a religious side to it as well. The origins of Christmas are very mysterious, especially if you're not good at research. Did you know that Jesus' parents might have been Mexicans? Scholars believe that's why they named their kid Jesus. It all makes sense when you remember they owned a donkey. Anyway, Merry Christmas Mexico (birthplace of Jesus)!
A lot of people like to be contentious around the holidays, but not me. I like to play it safe.
It's nice to have been missed, everyone; thanks. Where have I been? I've been working in secret on a cryptographic system based on ancient Sumerian cuneiform. In the process of this I did NOT accidentally unlock a dimensional gate between our world and that of Ereshkigal, goddess of the underworld. That was totally somebody else.
People. I'm back. Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated - by others, and also by me - for tax purposes, but let's not get into that now. The important thing is that I'm back, which means it's time we kicked off this holiday season properly. I'd like to start off Christmas with a Hanukkah card. I know, right?! Look at us all - knowing what Hanukkah is and being all cosmopolitan...
I don't really know anything about the history of Halloween but (and this is just a theory) I have basically assumed that the early Americans really hated pumpkins.
Anna Jarvis, the creator of Mothers Day, was so appalled by the commercialization of the holiday that she later protested it and organized boycotts. That's why our cards match the true, original spirit of Mother's Day - we never court mass appeal or pander to the market. Example: just look at the badly behaving turtles in this card. Wrongcards: principles before profit.
It's that time of year when we all remember our mothers. That's right. Mothers Day is nigh - at least, it is in North America. Different countries tend to celebrate Mothers Day at different times of year. I know, right? Why can't the world just agree on one thing? It's like we were all brought up badly or something. Anyway. This card has 25% more good taste than the others.