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page 33

Home Ecards

Celebration Concerned Dark Humor Family Holiday Jewish Just Because Love
TGIF Ecard with text: Thank God it's Friday and we have not been devoured by a phalanx of Komodo Dragons.

phalanx

The week is winding down and you survived. Yes, you survived the strange and the unexpected. And, celebrating this triumph, today's wrongcard reminds us all to remain ever vigilant. Remember, if you stay paranoid, you'll stay alive. For a while anyway. Happy Friday to you all!

TGIF

St Patricks's Day Ecard with text: In order for me to actually enjoy St Patricks Day, I have to take all the potatoes away from you.

enjoy stpatricks day

I'm in Boston and that means I'm obliged to get falling-down-drunk with friends on St Patrick's Day. Ireland's nationalist movement needs a good, alcoholic kick once a year, and if I have to wake up in a pool of someone else's vomit, so be it. I'll do anything for a good cause. Oh, today's card? Sorry Irish people.

St Patricks's Day

Workplace Ecard with text: Everybody works for the man. But nobody knows who the man is. But one day I will find out who he is and strangle him. And then I will be the man. Until then, your job is to buy me lunch and appreciate me. Later I will probably reward you.

mission statement

Everyone should have a mission statement. If you don't have one yet my advice is to write one that would make your Human Resources department panic. You should listen to me because the laws that govern probability suggest that I'll be right about everything at least part of the time. And today I'm feeling lucky.

Workplace

Baby Ecard with text: Congratulations on the birth of your baby, if indeed it IS your baby and not the baby I read about on the back of my milk carton.

milk baby

You can send today's card to new parents. Or rather - you shouldn't. New parents can be awfully prickly and humorless - after all, they've just crushed their dreams. But then again, maybe you should. I think the decision really boils down to whether or not you like their cooking. Once again, I'm here to help.

Baby

Apology Ecard with text: I am sorry we had a difference of opinion based upon my views being well-researched and nuanced.

nuanced views

I never argue with people unless I think they're wrong about something. But I generally feel that any action which may result in having to dig six-foot holes in the backyard at 2am isn't ultimately worth it. Anyway, I made you all this apology card. This is the part where you feel grateful. Oh stop it, it's nothing.

Apology

Apology Ecard with text: I'm sorry I pissed on the floor but I lost concentration.

minds wander

There are cards for you, and there are cards for me ... and today's card is for me. I don't really want to talk about it

Apology

Inspirational Ecard with text: To be successful, one should always adopt the habits of highly successful people. And I don't think there is a single successful person alive who does chores.

highly successful people

Let's start off the week with an inspirational card. Of course, one might disagree with this card but that would require a perverse and contrary psychology. The thought of people disagreeing with me always makes me feel wistful and sad. What a troubled world. Anyway, here is today's card to make it all better.

Inspirational

Celebrity Ecard with text: Your problems are negligible, think of Charlie Sheen. If someone gave YOU a choice between nothing and two million dollars to make a show like Two and a Half Men, you'd be a complete emotional wreck as well.

charlie sheen

The media is blitzing us with reports of uprisings in Libya, Tunisia and Egypt, but have so far ignored the tribulations of actor Charlie Sheen. He's out of work and in six months will run out of cocaine. He doesn't need our pity, he needs drugs and hookers, so take on some extra shifts and donate generously. Thank you.

Celebrity

Excuses Ecard with text: I regret that I cannot come over, but I must spend the evening attending to the needy and applying compresses to the fevered brows of sick orphans.

fevered brows

It hurts me to imagine that someone is out there at this very moment apologetically saying, 'I am sorry, I have no excuse....' I spend my life thinking up excuses, so take it from me - [sorry, the rest of this thought was written down by me and then eaten by ducks. WHY WOULD I LIE ABOUT THAT?]

Excuses

Reminders Ecard with text: If you MUST insist on being a Refrigerator Label Nazi, could you at least buy milk I would WANT to steal?

label nazi

Back when I was poor and unnourished, I lived with a guy who used to drink my milk while I slept. As a comparative ratio, based on my assets at the time, this equated roughly to stealing my car. But I never put a note on anything in the fridge. Even to me, who once suffered, a note on milk is an instruction to steal.

Reminders

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