So someone has invited you to a party: the hooks are in, the obligation to attend is fierce, but the thought of it all fills you with a nameless dread. Maybe it's because your friend's friends are lunatics. Or maybe it's because YOU are a lunatic. Doesn't matter. You can stop fretting and just send along this card. Life was meant to be this easy.
A new workplace card is long overdue. When I sat down to create one today my mind turned naturally and predictably to the large, even-toed ungulates within the subfamily Bovinae, or bison. Please don't attempt to connect the dots - the association makes vivid sense provided it is not subjected to careful analysis.
The first Christmas wrongcard for 2010 is here. And you'll see that I chose to avoid controversy and just stick to the basic themes, which is how I like to operate. If you aren't feeling the Christmas spirit yet, try a Christmas-themed snack - like gingerbread. Or a leg of venison.
It's not that Christmas parties are all that terrible once the brandy hits the bloodstream. But we introverts dread these things in advance. Why can't we just stay at home and read a good book? Or even a bad one? All you need is a servicable excuse. You can change the world if you have a good enough excuse. Or an alibi.
It's Hanukkah, a time when Jews around the world get together to celebrate Jesus' birthday. I understand they also burn candles, called midichlorians, or a mandalorians, or something like that, and eat lots of Chinese food. I know Jesus really tried to improve Judaism, but removing Chinese food from Christmas seems like a mistake to me. I guess Jesus was just a fussy eater.
There is a now a new category of Wrongcards called 'Excuses' which can help you evade unwanted social engagements. And this is the first card! So now you can get out of seeing those people who are expecting you for tea and crumpets. Good excuses provided by Wrongcards. Or perhaps just 'Excuses provided by Wrongcards'. Why sensationalize?
Miss Piggy terrified Kermit and was physically abusive and I alone noticed! Six year old me was FREAKED that everyone forgave her. She's the Charlie Sheen of Muppet World. The only reason today's wrongcard exists is because I have always wanted her head on a stick. I have now formally addressed this topic. Moving on...
You all know me as a staunch defender of family values. Although Genghis Khan is not closely connected with Thanksgiving he DID father thousands of children and set them up with a dynastic empire. You don't get more family-oriented than that. Did your parents do as much for you? Doubt it. Ask them why not this holiday season.
I'm not American but I live in Boston. Thanksgiving is a lovely holiday that celebrates family life with good food and confusing games of football. I don't like the tradition of forcing foreign male guests to sleep with all the old ladies present but it's your holiday and I respect local customs even when I don't understand them.
I'm really, really annoyed at the TSA right now. I've read so much about this stuff they're doing, looking at naked people on scanners and groping people. And not one single call back about my job application.