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page 35

Home Ecards

Excuses Ecard with text: Word has reached me that your party will not feature an orgy of generously-spirited Norwegian models. And due to this oversight and lack of good planning on your party, I will be unable to attend.

norwegian model excuse

So someone has invited you to a party: the hooks are in, the obligation to attend is fierce, but the thought of it all fills you with a nameless dread. Maybe it's because your friend's friends are lunatics. Or maybe it's because YOU are a lunatic. Doesn't matter. You can stop fretting and just send along this card. Life was meant to be this easy.

Excuses

Workplace Ecard with text: If you see a bison on your way home today, disregard it. Do not attract the attention of the bison under any circumstances.

disregard bison

A new workplace card is long overdue. When I sat down to create one today my mind turned naturally and predictably to the large, even-toed ungulates within the subfamily Bovinae, or bison. Please don't attempt to connect the dots - the association makes vivid sense provided it is not subjected to careful analysis.

Workplace

Christmas Ecard with text: Santa might give more expensive gifts to rich kids but only because he knows they'll eventually trickle down to poor kids.

trickle down christmas

The first Christmas wrongcard for 2010 is here. And you'll see that I chose to avoid controversy and just stick to the basic themes, which is how I like to operate. If you aren't feeling the Christmas spirit yet, try a Christmas-themed snack - like gingerbread. Or a leg of venison.

Christmas

Excuses Ecard with text: I cannot attend that thing you are organizing due to my tendency to say true and reasonable things that make some people panic.

true and reasonable

It's not that Christmas parties are all that terrible once the brandy hits the bloodstream. But we introverts dread these things in advance. Why can't we just stay at home and read a good book? Or even a bad one? All you need is a servicable excuse. You can change the world if you have a good enough excuse. Or an alibi.

Excuses

Happy Hannukah Ecard with text: Happy Hanukkah from somebody who doesn't really know what it is and hopes you will never try to explain it.

hanukkah duck

It's Hanukkah, a time when Jews around the world get together to celebrate Jesus' birthday. I understand they also burn candles, called midichlorians, or a mandalorians, or something like that, and eat lots of Chinese food. I know Jesus really tried to improve Judaism, but removing Chinese food from Christmas seems like a mistake to me. I guess Jesus was just a fussy eater.

Happy Hannukah

Excuses Ecard with text: I am sorry I can't go to that thing you are organizing because I plan on having a terrible headache that day.

headache excuse

There is a now a new category of Wrongcards called 'Excuses' which can help you evade unwanted social engagements. And this is the first card! So now you can get out of seeing those people who are expecting you for tea and crumpets. Good excuses provided by Wrongcards. Or perhaps just 'Excuses provided by Wrongcards'. Why sensationalize?

Excuses

CheerUp Ecard with text: Cheer up. It's not as if it is your 'Muppet Movie Meets Lord of the Flies' screenplay that is out there receiving only lukewarm interest from all the major Hollywood studios.

improbable muppets movie

Miss Piggy terrified Kermit and was physically abusive and I alone noticed! Six year old me was FREAKED that everyone forgave her. She's the Charlie Sheen of Muppet World. The only reason today's wrongcard exists is because I have always wanted her head on a stick. I have now formally addressed this topic. Moving on...

CheerUp

Family Ecard with text: Genghis Khan killed his own brother when he was thirteen. And he went on to greatness. This is not a threat, just an observation based on a factual instance from history.

genghis khans brother

You all know me as a staunch defender of family values. Although Genghis Khan is not closely connected with Thanksgiving he DID father thousands of children and set them up with a dynastic empire. You don't get more family-oriented than that. Did your parents do as much for you? Doubt it. Ask them why not this holiday season.

Family

Thanksgiving Ecard with text: This Thanksgiving, let's be thankful to the US government for only supplying guns to calm, rational people with moderate religious views and opinions.

calm rational people

I'm not American but I live in Boston. Thanksgiving is a lovely holiday that celebrates family life with good food and confusing games of football. I don't like the tradition of forcing foreign male guests to sleep with all the old ladies present but it's your holiday and I respect local customs even when I don't understand them.

Thanksgiving

Dark Humor Ecard with text: Don't worry, the TSA have only hired people who don't enjoy looking at naked people or groping genitals. So it's not pervy or anything.

hand lotion

I'm really, really annoyed at the TSA right now. I've read so much about this stuff they're doing, looking at naked people on scanners and groping people. And not one single call back about my job application.

Dark Humor