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page 41

Home Ecards

Celebration Concerned Dark Humor Family Holiday Jewish Just Because Love
Valentines Ecard with text: 'Happy Valentines Day. I know you feel grateful right now. But I guess I dont really know just how grateful you feel... Note: proofs of gratitude can involve two or more of your better-looking friends and a jar of maple syrup.'

proofs of gratitude

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Valentines

WTF Ecard with text: No matter how lonely you get never turn to sheep. They are very disappointing, emotionally, even though they squirm nicely.

sheep are disappointing

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WTF

Excuses Ecard with text: 'Very soon I will think of something offensive to say that will cause three hours of bitter argument, followed by a solid half hour of make-up sex. (Note: I dont have anything yet, other than some fairly controversial views about geese).'

excuses for argument

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Excuses

Christmas Ecard with text: Because I am a liberal with a Secular Progressive Agenda I do not give gifts at XMAS. Instead I sponsor a terrorist or volunteer at the local abortion clinic where we kill heterosexual fetuses for free. We round off the holiday with eggnog, because it is nice.

Secular Progressive

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Christmas

Christmas Ecard with text: Christmas is a debt-inducing celebration of commodity culture wrapped inside a guilt trip, which means I won't talk to you if you don't get me a present.

symbolic emptiness

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Christmas

Thinking of You Ecard with text: I am sorry that total strangers on the internet do not envy or appreciate your knowledge of internet memes and Tarantino movies.

internet memes

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Thinking of You

Workplace Ecard with text: 'i will be busy all day concealing a violent attitude towards authority and I do not wish to be disturbed'

busy all day

On Wednesdays I like to post an older card like this and then spend the rest of the day writing letters to various newspaper editors requesting more coverage of the small African nation of Bunwabe. I sign the letters 'concerned'. Bunwabe is a country I completely made up. I believe that one day I'll know why I do this.

Workplace

WTF Ecard with text: People who dont believe in phosphorescent ghost monkeys have a much harder time dealing with encounters with them.

ghost monkeys

On Wednesdays I traditionally post an older card and then spend the rest of the day praising Rupert Murdoch's allegedly corrupt publishing empire. That they may or may not have bugged my phone and recorded me drunkenly singing Jewel songs at 2am has only made me more supportive of them.

WTF

Get Well Ecard with text: I suspect you have caught the Swine Flu and it's your fault because I warned you to wear a condom and you didn't listen.

suspecting swine flu

'Oh I heard you have swine flu.' 'No, I did have a headache but -' 'Yeah, sounds like Swine Flu. Stay away from me, man.' 'It's not --' 'Hey back off! I don't need to die right now. I got plans for the day.'

Get Well

Baby Ecard with text: Congratulations on your New Baby! You have just scored two decades of economic servitude preparing a young mind to live unaided in a troubled, neurotic world.

economic servitude

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Baby

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