If you think ecards and greeting cards are - at best - insipid, mass-produced tokens of insincere sentiment, then I like you. And also, welcome to Wrongcards.
I'm an acknowledged expert in a couple of fields - it's only modesty preventing me from telling you which. But I will say that my as yet unpublished tome 'The Psychology of Wasps and Wasp-like Invertebrates' puts me among the greatest scientific minds of our age. I just need to secure a publisher (the hardware store won't sell me any zip-ties). Oh, I'm also an expert on romance. I'm such a renaissance man.
So I invented Rehash Wednesday years ago but the world stole my idea and made it #ThrowbackThursday to avoid having to pay me royalties. Which is fine because I am nice, even people who haven't met me say so all the time. Anyhow, I'm told there is a lot of yellow in this card but I haven't been able to see yellow since I got angry that one time and ate some lead pencils. I think this card is about sheep and morality.
I apologize all the time. Never sincerely, of course - why rob the experience of fun and whimsy? - but just to practice I guess, in case the unthinkable happens. That's right, even I make mistakes, though the last time was in 2003 when I stupidly agreed to share my ice-cream with someone (long story short: I lost half of my ice-cream) but the point is.. look I don't remember. Something to do with sharks.
Don't listen to what some people say, everyone is an optimist. Everyone is being completely optimistic - they might as well embrace the reality. Whenever I turn on the television I stare at it for eight minutes, turn it off and then have to go lie down because civilisation is clearly coming to a sticky end. But then I'm up 15 minutes later because Fox News must not win. See? Optimism. In other news, I should be a motivational speaker.
So the story behind this card is that I was walking near the zoo early this morning when a gorilla escaped its enclosure. I had the good fortune to be eating a toffee apple, which the gorilla had a particular fondness for, so we shared the toffee, had a bit of a heart to heart and then, in a newly restored state of mental calm, the gorilla legged it back over the wall into the zoo. BTW if it doesn't rain on Thursday we're both going swimming!
They say that my Mum had a very generous spirit. I have few memories of her, mostly they're of her leaving to go out on her rounds in her nurses uniform. It's a pity she wasn't a nurse. Mother's Day is an important holiday/scam run by the greeting card industry. I'll be honest about it at least until Wrongcards is profitable, after which I'm obligated to pretend it's not nonsense.
There is nothing worse than people fretting about frivolous things. Well, being pecked to death by half-starved ducks is probably worse. Also, being followed around by the same pigeon for weeks was pretty rough when that happened to me recently. I had to keep buying it fries to prevent it from brow-beating me. Stupid bird.
'The fact that people write to thank me for making a truly useful ecard site has often given me pause for thought: what could I be doing wrong? Seems like too many of you are getting yourselves into some pretty weird situations. Today's card features a gorilla wearing a suit; if it seems relevant to your life then I have little choice but to throw my hands up in despair.'
I'm not saying that St. Patricks Day is a conspiracy perpetrated by Irish brewing countries in league with a cartel of manufacturers of green food coloring. No wait a minute, that IS what I'm trying to say. Sorry, there's something about this holiday that gets me all muddled. It might possibly be the alcohol speaking. Look, I'm very good at research.
... and then it occurred to me that many men will be forgetting Valentines Day, and thus might be in dire need of an apology card tomorrow. Think about it. Think of the countless men who will awaken tomorrow to a frosty silence and spend the first half of the day in frozen bewilderment as to what the hell they forgot to do. And you thought YOU had problems.
I was hoping you guys would be cool this year and, in some unspoken way, universally recognize that Valentines Day is a lot of nonsense. I could have played video games today, guys; it could have been good. But no - here we are, I'm drawing badgers because some of you are dating people who believe in this stuff. I'm not angry with you. But let's see some progress next year ok?
The worst thing about people being sad is the way they try to make you the scapegoat. "I'm sad because of you. I'm sad because I don't have a sofa anymore. I'm sad because we had to call fire-fighters to the house." My point here is that people wouldn't need to feel sad if they didn't buy brown sofas in the first place. Here is an ecard with a pterodactyl on it.