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Romantic Ecards, For Complete Optimists — page 2


Romance Ecard with text: I want you to know that I would still want to be with you even if I COULD lick my own genitals.
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about this card: still want you | Romance today is all about half-measures. It's gotten so bad that boys don't even steal flowers from graves any more, they just buy 'em in a shop. That's like saying 'I'll do anything to win and retain your affections provided it's convenient and lawful'. Once, lovers red-lined their emotions well into the realm of corpse desecration. But its ok, Romance can be saved; Wrongcards is taking it back!
Flirting Ecard with text: If God didnt want me to practice on you he would have given me a sheep farm.
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about this card: sheep | I know many of you hope one day to find a special someone with an excellent credit history and maybe go in on a thirty-year fixed-rate mortgage together. I too am a romantic. But romance isn't just about money - there's a biological aspect to it too. If you don't send today's card to a potential co-mortgage signatory then you'll never have any offspring to fight about in court. I'm here to help.
Flirting Ecard with text: Now that we have done everything else, the next thing I would like for us to try is foreplay.
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about this card: next thing to try | Let's say you're romantically involved with a balloon animal. Society doesn't understand - it never does - and you have to sneak out to this one Italian restaurant where the staff aren't all that judgmental. Now one night, over a candlelit dinner, she wafts across the table and touches the candle flame. Pop! She's dead! Do you tip the waiter for one meal or two?
Romance Ecard with text: If we start dating then I would no longer need to pay for sex except on special occasions. So it would be win-win for both of us.
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about this card: special occasions | Alright blokes, you're fond of a lady but you can't very well show up in her kitchen at 3am, naked and covered in mud and broken glass, claiming to be a time-traveler. Trust me, I speak from experience when I say that women are far too jaded and cynical nowadays for that to work. My best advice? Send this card. My next best advice requires a gorilla suit but I don't give away ALL my trade secrets.
Flirting Ecard with text: I'm not half as sexually adventurous as Mr Sock.
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about this card: not half so adventurous | May 9th is National Lost Sock Memorial Day. I believe that every washing machine manufactured after 1963 was designed to eat precisely one sock per month, just to keep everybody in the consumer world a little off-balance. So where do all the socks go? They're sacrificed, with noble intent, for our collective unease. It's a religion I'm starting. And, of course, I'll be taking donations...
Flirting Ecard with text: We should get together and have sex sometime. Im getting to be quite good at it, by practicing on things etc.
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about this card: practically | Today's card is a rehash Wednesday flirting card which means it's probably Not Safe For Work (whatever that means) though it CAN be useful if you'd like to flirt with someone today. It will also make you more popular - every time I send it to a woman she writes back and tells me how much she just wants to be my friend, which obviously is very sweet and quite complimentary.
Valentines Ecard with text: Happy valentines day. This is a picture of an earwig. I am the best.
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about this card: picture of an earwig | On Wednesdays I post an older card then I change the world. I believe we can all change the world, we just need love in our hearts. And seven billion dollars for research and development, and a basement full of kidnapped MIT kids to assemble the first batch of self-replicating robot slave spiders. Changing the world also requires pragmatism.
Valentines Ecard with text: Happy Valentines Day, etc. I honestly bought you chocolate but can no longer find it and am now operating under the theory that it was eaten by raptors.
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about this card: raptors | Some say that Valentines Day is a commercialized confidence trick played on lovers, a cloying manufactured holiday, a manipulative marketing mechanism. But me? I only worry about two things. One, that if you don't buy someone chocolate right now, your entire relationship will crumble to pieces. And two, that raptors may not be as extinct as "the authorities" claim.
Romance Ecard with text: Love is like a rhinoceros with a saddle in the sense that if a pithy ecard with an obscure simile is somehow applicable to your relationship then you should both sit down and, over a nice cup of tea, work out what it is you are both doing wrong.
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about this card: recursive rhinoceros | "Love is like a rhinoceros wearing a saddle..." Sometimes I'm on fire, and I don't mean when I'm playing with kerosene and a lighter. My doctor says it's because I have a better grasp of reality than most. He stops by occasionally and counsels me and I'm helping him work through some issues with being dead and invisible to his loved ones. Share this card, it has good advice.
Valentines Ecard with text: Here is your Valentines Day card. NOW can you make me a sandwich?
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about this card: subliminal | 'Gentlemen, bad news: Valentines Day is gonna happen any second now. Ladies, yay, you're about to receive a lot of Hallmark nonsense and a bunch of chocolate that you know in your heart is going to go straight to your hips. Puppies? For you, nothing changes, you're still the best things on the planet and I wish there were more of you.'
Flirting Ecard with text: I want to make sweet love to you like an anteater.
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about this card: sweet anteater lover | Anteaters were once thought to be related to aardvarks but they turned out to be related to sloths and armadillos. I have never seem an anteater but I've seen several wombats. Anteaters aren't related to wombats but I don't see any reason why they wouldn't get along. Today's re-hash Wednesday card is dedicated to any anteater reading this.
Romance Ecard with text: I can tell that I love you by the way I like to make you feel guilty about bullshit.
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about this card: guilty | 'Love makes us great! Example: if Lance Armstrong hadn't been so in love with fame and money he wouldn't have frauded his way to a 100+ million dollar fortune. See? That's not logic, that's romance! Like Lance I'm a wildly romantic person too, though it's tempered with a sensible streak of feminism so when on a date I let the chick buy my meal. I also haven't cried on Oprah yet but I'll get to that.'