Can I Be Suspicious of Valentines Day, Please?
Look, I know some people like Valentines Day. And they think I’m some sort of weirdo who can’t deal with basic things, like corporate-infused holidays. Or clowns. I think they come to Wrongcards just to gloat at me.
Did you know that the heart-shaped boxes of Valentines Day candy appeared on the shelves at the supermarket near my house on the 27th of December? That’s two days after Christmas!
Nobody asked me how I felt about that. Which, on mature reflection, is very wise of them, because whenever I’ve been compelled to explain how ‘The Gross Commodification of Human Emotions’ makes me feel, people start edging away from me.
I talk calmly, of course, for I am always calm, and also highly-rational. But strangers can get a bit twitchy when I talk about arson as an expression of dissent, or use phrases like ‘knee-deep in the blood of traitors and pigs’.
In January, I published my second novel — Rise of the Blue Bandicoot.
It is a very tricky heist story. The sequel to The Harvard Skull Fiasco, the book is an outright comedy and also (I’m told) a wicked satire of Harvard University. If you like capers or comedies then the Blue Bandicoot series will be your cup of tea. (There is also a nascent love story, if you like that sort of thing.)
You can read both my books at Amazon Unlimited. They have a free 30 day trial.
Anyway, look — here are this year’s Valentines Day cards. But there’s no reason to actually celebrate Valentines Day, is there?
I mean, if someone gets bent-out-of-shape because you didn’t purchase a gift EVEN THOUGH THE SIGNS IN THE SHOPS TOLD YOU TO, then maybe they’re not emotionally stable in the first place.
You know what? That should be your first line of defense. “The reason you are angry right now is that you’re not emotionally stable.” If they’re confused, forward them this newsletter.
I know, right? I am such good value.
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