Tagged as #americans.


historical awareness

Alright, squad, I'm back. I've been off writing a book. It's finished now - what did I miss? I haven't been watching the news or anything - how is Bernie Sanders doing against Jeb Bush? Me? I'm feeling great. I grew a beard for a while and lived in my back yard, burned furniture to keep warm. Writing that book sure was a process. But we'll talk later. For now: Happy Columbus Day.
Ecard text: If you're going to celebrate Columbus Day then show some historical awareness, perhaps by spending the day giving syphilis to Europeans.

what could go wrong

Christmas is nigh. Little orphans are peddling old shoes. Mums are smoking broken pencils and Dads are drinking turpentine and waving tire irons at invisible winged-snakes again. I know, I know - even I get maudlin and sentimental around this time of year. To be honest, I don't really understand today's card. But then, I don't really understand most of the things I say...
Ecard text: In the United States, twelve million adults believe the world is secretly controlled by lizard people. But go ahead, teach impressionable children that Sant Claus is real. What could possibly go wrong? (Picture of a lizard man in a Santa Hat.)

surrender

I don't know a lot about Independence Day but I saw the movie and liked it. The only problem was that it gives the impression that July 4 started after aliens tried to take over the US back in the mid-nineties but, when you do the research, the Americans fought the aliens AND the French way back in 1750. Which makes you wonder why the aliens went away and waited for us to develop fighter jets before attacking again. Idiots.
Ecard text: Happy July Fourth, commemorating George Washington's surrender of Fort Necessity to the French on this day in 1754.

fireworks

One of my favorite things about Independence Day is when the pilot, who nobody believed had been abducted by aliens, turned out to have told the truth about it all. Nothing corroborates an alien abduction story quite like an alien invasion fleet turning up afterwards. Total vindication right there. Ever since I moved to the US and started stockpiling Chinese fireworks, I worry less and less about aliens. In fact: bring it on, aliens!
Ecard text: Americans will spend $600 million dollars on fireworks for the 4th of July. 99% of those fireworks will be imported from China. Happy Independence Day.

irish identity issues

On re-hash Wednesday I like to post an older wrongcard, and today's is one for St. Patrick's Day. A couple of my mates will be going 'ouch' right now but I have a bottle of Makers Mark on standby to send them singing into the land of forgiveness. I know, right?
Ecard text: Let's celebrate St Patricks Day with people who probably couldn't find Ireland on a map.

invite the natives

Ecard text: Happy Thanksgiving! Lets invite some native Americans over for dinner. We can steal their land while they eat.

special feelings

Ecard text: Thanksgiving this year will be all about that very special feeling of gratitude that we can now  finally sit and smirk