Never play with fire, they say, but that's no way to win at monopoly. I've started three fires during games of monopoly and went on to win each game. I think of fire as the God of Winning.
Apologies? Well, there are times when the Nice People From Human Resources have ushered you into a special meeting, and they've given you a scone and tea and are talking in careful measured tones about 'conduct', whatever the hell that is. When that happens, don't throw the scone at anyone. Trust me. Anyhoo, I've got nothing to say about apologies.
I’m aware I have had certain advantages in life. Not every boy gets to grow up knowing his dad was both an astronaut AND an arctic explorer. My grandmother says it’s a pity my dad had to go into hiding when the lizard people from Rigel VI surreptitiously took control of all the world’s major governments, because I’d have really liked him.
I've never been a person who makes up excuses but that has never been my fault. Usually I was too busy, or a thing came up, or I had to stay late or I was volunteering at a hospital helping nurses put on stockings. But nowadays I think 'inventing excuses' is my calling. I'd like to elaborate further but there's a helicopter waiting to take me to the White House. Look, my life is complicated.
On Wednesdays I like to post an older card and then spend the rest of the day listening to Rush Limbaugh. Not really. No I don't do that. It's not often that Wrongcards goes too far and posts something that tasteless on the internet but it happened right there a second ago and I'm sorry. It's a good thing Mother doesn't know about Wrongcards.
What people sometimes call 'anger management issues' I prefer to describe as 'an impaired ability to cope with fools and idiots'. Of course, I'm not one to promote bad-tempered irrationality (I'm no Bill O'Reilly) but we're all entitled to our moments, and a deficit of sleep might make this card seem useful.