Tagged as #animals.


penguin with ice cream

Ever since 2003 ice cream has been a sad topic for me. You see, that year a girl asked to share my ice cream and unwittingly, I consented. I lost 46% of my bowl of ice cream that day. Tragedy - always lurking in the wings...
Ecard text: I don't understand the basic point of Valentines Day so let's instead admire this picture of a penguin holding an ice cream.

sexy octopus

Well, I wrote a book and it turns out that everybody who knows me will only read it if I suggest THEY'RE in the book (narcissism is rampant these days. SAD!) So I just hint that they only turn up in this one very tasteful sex scene with an octopus, and off they go to buy my book! Works a charm. It's all nonsense - little kids could read my book - but the point is, wow I'm a marketing god.
Ecard text: If you think about it, there's nothing sexier than an octopus.

christmas spider

People say they want a Christmas surprise, but here's the thing: DO THEY? DO THEY REALLY? I'm not angry but what is the point of you saying, 'I want it to be a surprise' if you're going to run around shrieking for an hour and then go stay at your Mother's until Thursday? And no it's not because I don't understand Christmas, I have an entire WEBSITE about it so technically I'm an expert so there.
Ecard text: I may or may not have gotten you a Christmas spider. The joy lies in the discovery.

silent killer

Remember a few years back when everyone thought the world would end because some Mayans had predicted it, even though the Mayans didn't predict the conquistadors? Well, I knew that was going to happen. I prophesied it. The only thing stopping me from closing down Wrongcards and becoming a professional prophet is the obligation to grow facial hair. I'm afraid of mustaches.
Ecard text: Happy New Year. Have fun out there but remember: spider monkeys. They're a silent killer.

christmas leopard

The problem with Christmas is that children are too confident about the whole thing. They're tottering around all cool and jaded, basically because you never taught them to fear Krampus the Christmas Demon. So thanks to your bad parenting kids don't believe in demons and now they're out of control! Well, don't worry - I can help you out. Sure, they don't believe in demons but you know something they do believe in? Leopards. You're welcome.
Ecard text: Merry Christmas. Good children receive gifts from Santa and bad children get eaten by the Christmas Leopard. Look - don't get angry at me, I don't make up the rules.

happy turtles

Anna Jarvis, the creator of Mothers Day, was so appalled by the commercialization of the holiday that she later protested it and organized boycotts. That's why our cards match the true, original spirit of Mother's Day - we never court mass appeal or pander to the market. Example: just look at the badly behaving turtles in this card. Wrongcards: principles before profit.
Ecard text: Happy Mother's Day. Thank you for turning me into a fully functional, mature adult capable of determining right from wrong. These turtles are having sex.

not rudolf please santa

The song 'I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus' offers a pretty sinister implication when you believe in Santa. When I was a little kid, thinking about this man carrying on with some kid's mum was pretty distressing. Sure, he's a notorious 'reverse burglar', but what's his deal with messing about with other kid's mums? It's understandable then that when other kids got better presents than me, it did kind of change my attitude towards their mothers. In unrelated news, for some reason I wasn't invited to Christmas parties as a child either.
Ecard text: merry christmas. dear Santa, all I want this year is a leg of your finest venison. Dancer or Prancer is ok but not Rudolf cause he is some kind of genetic freak.

rocky phase

Lately a lot of people have been assuming I was dead. It's strange how a man can't paint himself a greenish hue and lay about near busy intersections without everyone making weird assumptions. Now you might think of vampires as a sort of sublimated necrophiliac rape fantasy but that doesn't make them any less creepy. Today's card contains an octopus. The mention of vampires was just randomness.
Ecard text: The great benefit to exclusively having sex with an octopus is that it won't live long enough for you both to reach that 'rocky' phase of the relationship.

inflatable sheep

So I invented Rehash Wednesday years ago but the world stole my idea and made it #ThrowbackThursday to avoid having to pay me royalties. Which is fine because I am nice, even people who haven't met me say so all the time. Anyhow, I'm told there is a lot of yellow in this card but I haven't been able to see yellow since I got angry that one time and ate some lead pencils. I think this card is about sheep and morality.
Ecard text: i can't find anything in the bible prohibiting inflatable sheep - so i think you're in the clear with jesus.

optimism

Don't listen to what some people say, everyone is an optimist. Everyone is being completely optimistic - they might as well embrace the reality. Whenever I turn on the television I stare at it for eight minutes, turn it off and then have to go lie down because civilisation is clearly coming to a sticky end. But then I'm up 15 minutes later because Fox News must not win. See? Optimism. In other news, I should be a motivational speaker.
Ecard text: ALways be optimistic. But don't be as optimistic as a dog. A dog will eat its own vomit with the expectation that it will just work out better the second time around. You know what? Don't be optimistic. It doesn't work.

gorillas in the midst

'The fact that people write to thank me for making a truly useful ecard site has often given me pause for thought: what could I be doing wrong? Seems like too many of you are getting yourselves into some pretty weird situations. Today's card features a gorilla wearing a suit; if it seems relevant to your life then I have little choice but to throw my hands up in despair.'
Ecard text: If I see a Western Lowland Gorilla today I am totally treating it as suspicious.

badgered

I was hoping you guys would be cool this year and, in some unspoken way, universally recognize that Valentines Day is a lot of nonsense. I could have played video games today, guys; it could have been good. But no - here we are, I'm drawing badgers because some of you are dating people who believe in this stuff. I'm not angry with you. But let's see some progress next year ok?
Ecard text: Happy Valentines Day because, after giving the matter some thought, I've decided to go through the motions and profess a semblance of romantic sentiment because, all things considered, it just seems preferable to the consequences I'd be force to endure if I did nothing. (A picture of a badger with the words: by the way, I just like this picture, I'm not trying to say I feel badgered or anything.)

elephants

Anniversaries are great. If you can keep someone from working out who you truly are for an entire year then you deserve a bit of a romantic celebration. Sadly it is becoming increasingly customary these days to spend your anniversary with your partner and not with prostitutes, but traditional values will come back into vogue, don't worry. Another war will see to that.
Ecard text: The fact that elephants are expected never to forget anything can make impending anniversaries for male elephants profoundly stressful, and been shown to lead to anxiety, depression and drug use. This elephant (pictured) is addicted to tranquilizers.

giraffes

Sometimes nice, well-meaning people will try and convince me that that lizards are not secretly running this entire planet. And privately I admit that this belief that primates rule the world is spooky and delusional but I don't SAY so, of course. I just smile and agree with them. The problem with people is that they lack a healthy skepticism. I blame the drugs that the lizards put in the water.
Ecard text: 'My favorite mythological creature is the giraffe. Fact: in some traditions giraffes are thought to be flightless. Which is ridiculous because if they couldn't fly, how did they all end up living in Antartica? '

sheep

I know many of you hope one day to find a special someone with an excellent credit history and maybe go in on a thirty-year fixed-rate mortgage together. I too am a romantic. But romance isn't just about money - there's a biological aspect to it too. If you don't send today's card to a potential co-mortgage signatory then you'll never have any offspring to fight about in court. I'm here to help.
Ecard text: If God didnt want me to practice on you he would have given me a sheep farm.

pretending pinata

I've always wanted to have a psychiatrist who lasts more than one session. But after my hour is up they tend to be anxious to refer me to someone else. Or they disappear, forcing me to break into their house and read their private correspondence in order to track them down. One guy is in a sanatorium in Geneva. I'm wearing that dude's slippers.
Ecard text: I have learned that if it starts yowling, it is probably only pretending to be a piñata. In which case one should stop drinking immediately.

jackal head

Consider that on Wednesdays I like to post older cards for the sake of nostalgia. In the rich tapestry that we call the human experience, the muddled moments of madness, forgetfulness and shoplifted puddings that sustain each of us, does it truly matter if today is Thursday? Thank you, your forgiveness is very dear to me.
Ecard text: I am treating you with caution until I am certain that you are not going to turn into one of that Jackal-Headed gods of Ancient Egypt, because I'm sick of investing myself in people and winding up feeling foolish.

i need you back

People throw about the phrase 'a cry for help' pretty loosely in society these days - it's easy to get confused. I used to think wearing gumboots while not working in an agricultural capacity was a cry for help. See? If I can get confused, anyone can. Today's rehash Wednesday card is kind of a cry for help but trust me: for best results set a divan on fire.
Ecard text: I need you back with me, I've started eating mice again.

chicken problems

Often my American co-workers ask me: 'who stole my keyboard?' And I just say to them: 'Why are you asking me? Is it Pick On The Australian Day? Ever heard of Cultural Sensitivity? Just because I'm a minority, descended from convicts, that automatically makes me a keyboard thief right?' After that, they apologize. And I give them back their keyboard.
Ecard text: There are people who do not worry that they will one day be hunted by a giant chicken. They are called fools.

easter psa

I’m in San Francisco writing a script for a Canadian TV adaption of Breaking Bad. The story is set in Alberta. The lead character gets cancer, receives free government healthcare, makes a full recovery and lots of nice friends. I really tried to put a rabbit into the story but it kept touching balloon animals inappropriately. Rabbits. They're so wrong.,
Ecard text: This Easter - do not eat any eggs that come out of a rabbit. They are not chocolate.

bees

Whenever a person tells me they are depressed I suggest they bake some muffins. I tell them research indicates that baking increases production of the monoamine neurotransmitter 5-hydroxytryptamine (serotonin). It's not true, I just like muffins. If bees were an ingredient in muffins then this post would be slightly less tangential.
Ecard text: Warning: bees are everywhere. Take all necessary precautions.

badly calibrated

One of the things that makes apologizing so enjoyable is that people always believe me. Once I set fire to someone's couch and, even though I was doing them a huge favor (it had a floral print), things were tense until I said sorry. That's why it's childish not to say sorry. Next week I'm setting fire to their new couch because it's brown and I'll say sorry again. Maturity doesn't mean 'boring'.
Ecard text: I'm sorry that our reality is sometimes just badly calibrated.

extremely inexpensive

Most of my friends are not going to live through the impending Mayan Doomsday because they simply refuse to take my 'stop, drop and roll' drills seriously. So I'm accepting their impending deaths stoically in advance. I'm not that sad actually, possibly because I've been making sympathy cards to send to myself. Emotional intelligence makes life easier.
Ecard text: Funeral homes don't want you to know about the extremely inexpensive hyenas at the zoo option.

sacrifice

I'm not American but I live in Boston and have learned some of your customs. I know that Thanksgiving is about men sitting about watching sport all day while women cook for them. I have to admit this barbaric cultural practice does offend my modern sensibilities but I guess it's just a tradition that predates our contemporary awareness that men are better cooks than women.
Ecard text: This Thanksgiving I am thankful that our civilization has moved beyond the ritual sacrifice of animals.

uncomfortable

I’m a man who believes in the incredible power of the apology, especially when it comes to getting out of scrapes and evading repercussions. A bunch of people will see today’s card and think it somehow doesn’t apply to their lives. This is a rash and foolish notion and I predict that a good forty-four percent of you will send this card someday. And you know I'm right when I use statistics.
Ecard text: I am sorry I feel uncomfortable in the presence of baboons.

cat safety

I had a pretty normal childhood even though I was raised by my Nanna after my parents were kidnapped by lizard people. Nanna was in the underground before our side surrendered, and she had to live in 'psychic hiding' (constant inebriation) to avoid detection by mind scanners. So coming up with Mothers Day cards is, of course, a bit tricky. But what I like about this card is that it is reassuring.
Ecard text: Happy Mothers Day. Thank you for raising me to be someone around whom cats are very safe, no matter how amorous I might be feeling.

disclaimer

I believe that anyone can be rich, whether you're a teacher or a nurse, provided you work very, very hard in your job and your family got a head start in railways, oil fields or early 20th Century luxury hotels. But every rule should be issued with a disclaimer so here is mine. BTW - in case nobody has said it to you yet: Happy Tuesday!
Ecard text: 'Hard work never killed anyone. Except in cases where the job was STRESSFUL because long-term activation of the stress-response system, and the subsequent over-exposure to cortisol and other stress hormones. Heart disease. Risk of Death. Also: avoid bears.'

everyone should dream

On Wednesdays I always post an older card and then I spend the rest of the day giving up tea. I quaff my ninth and final cup at ten in the morning (the following three are for nostalgic purposes only). Around mid-afternoon I invariably down another final cup to fortify my resolve to quit. I'm only human; the last thing I want is for you to think I'm an addict when I'm merely an inspirational figure.
Ecard text: Everyone should have a dream. This is mine. With a picture of a hang gliding walrus.

concessions to romance

Like a few dozen other men I have a bit of a romantic streak. Sometimes I buy myself lilies or I light scented candles and take long baths. Or I put on some hip-hop and have a bit of a cry for no reason at all. I'll get annoyed at my lady and not tell her why and just wash up loudly. Or not talk to her because of something she did in one of my dreams. Othertimes - I just make a wrongcard.
Ecard text: Sure, it's up to you to decide how you feel about my wanting to touch you with a halibut. I just think it would be easier if you went with 'flattered'.

mauled by grizzly bears

On Wednesdays I typically post an older card that you might not have seen, and then I spend the afternoon writing letters to the International Olympic Committee demanding they introduce Competitive Humming into the London Olympics. It won't work, but at least the person who opens their mail will have a really weird day.
Ecard text: This year you have not been mauled to death by pissed off Grizzly Bears. Clearly whatever you are doing to keep Grizzly Bears at Bay is working.

sometimes i see things

On Wednesdays I like to post an older card and then spend the rest of the day going off topic. Today I'm in the Netherlands. The Dutch are a handsome people who, somewhat regrettably, like to speak gibberish. But today's card has nothing to do with Holland - what did you expect?
Ecard text: Sometimes I see thing in the corner of my eye that I don't feel all that comfortable talking about yet.

unwelcome follower

If I were a famous individual my name would be prefixed with the phrase 'The Famous Recluse'. I know that sounds grandiose but I don't see any point in being a humble recluse. So anyway I like to provide excuses to recluses. Example: today's card. If you want an unbelievable life, stop being believable right now, I say.
Ecard text: I am sorry I cannot attend your party but I'll be secluding myself indefinitely, or at least until this very persistent zebra stops following me.

nihilist cat

On Wednesdays I like to post an older card and then spend the rest of the day trying to convince a single individual that I am some kind of imaginary friend that only they can see.
Ecard text: Every year my stupid voodoo-obsessed cat starts prophesying your death. Next time I'm getting one that's a nihilist.

evidence

I never like to hear people arguing about religion because that means they're not sitting there listening attentively to me. Everyone has a different approach to religious debate. Mine is to scream: That Is Anathema! until everyone leaves. I guess it's important to win.
Ecard text: We can argue all day whether or not God gets high, but I think the evidence is clear.

moral vacuum

It's re-hash Wednesday, and normally I'd like to touch upon the Great Themes of Western Philosophy but sadly the whole Western canon was recently patented by Apple. So here is a picture of some very happy rabbits.
Ecard text: So lately I've been thinking about rabbits and I've decided they are a moral vacuum. But nobody ever talks about it.

supermarket wolf

I've given it some thought and decided that you all deserve a toasted cheese sandwich. Is this some kind of Wrongcards give-away? I'm afraid not. I cannot yet be everywhere because I am not yet a god. You'll have to make your own sandwich but my point here is that you deserve it. Logic is my superpower.
Ecard text: there are no wolves in the supermarket. believe it all you want but if you're ever wrong you're dead.

occasional improprieties

Today is re-hash Wednesday, so I get to post an older card that I happen to like. This one has a picture of a duck. It also promotes empathy, which I read is one of the great themes of art and literature. Empathy, a heightened sensibility to the rich tapestry that is the human experience, and ducks. It's all there, see.
Ecard text: I will overlook your various character flaws if you overlook my various improprieties with ducks.

phalanx

The week is winding down and you survived. Yes, you survived the strange and the unexpected. And, celebrating this triumph, today's wrongcard reminds us all to remain ever vigilant. Remember, if you stay paranoid, you'll stay alive. For a while anyway. Happy Friday to you all!
Ecard text: Thank God it's Friday and we have not been devoured by a phalanx of Komodo Dragons.

disregard bison

A new workplace card is long overdue. When I sat down to create one today my mind turned naturally and predictably to the large, even-toed ungulates within the subfamily Bovinae, or bison. Please don't attempt to connect the dots - the association makes vivid sense provided it is not subjected to careful analysis.
Ecard text: If you see a bison on your way home today, disregard it. Do not attract the attention of the bison under any circumstances.

hanukkah duck

It's Hanukkah, a time when Jews around the world get together to celebrate Jesus' birthday. I understand they also burn candles, called midichlorians, or a mandalorians, or something like that, and eat lots of Chinese food. I know Jesus really tried to improve Judaism, but removing Chinese food from Christmas seems like a mistake to me. I guess Jesus was just a fussy eater.
Ecard text: Happy Hanukkah from somebody who doesn't really know what it is and hopes you will never try to explain it.

effective lesson

In my tireless campaign to teach responsible parenting I do occasionally take a mistep. But this is only because I lack any real experience in child-raising. I don't know if today's card is a mistep but I do think that it is, at the very least, true. And you can't fault a person for being right, can you?
Ecard text: You can tell your kids that they probably can't make mutant friends who'll help them fight crime with them this way, but it's probably a more effective lesson if you just let them work it out for themselves.

kindness towards llamas

Everybody knows that llamas are the second-class citizens of the horse world. I think they're awesome and a bit better than alpacas. Alpacas kind of have a shifty look about them. They're both okay I guess but in a tight-spot I'd rather have a llama with me than an alpaca. I don't know why but my instincts are usually pretty good about this stuff.
Ecard text: Some llamas are born with birth defects and look a little odd but they do not deserve to be mocked by people.

probably really like you

The thing about eels is that they really are impossible to feel neutral about. You might think you like them a lot, say, when you're eating them in a Japanese restaurant. But face to face with them in an ocean, you will have one just thought: that thing is so ugly it is practically anathema.
Ecard text: I probably really like you quite a lot. Or not - it depends of course on how you feel about me, which is a matter I cannot seem to accurately determine, which is why this card offers only the vaguest approximation of sentiment. This is a picture of an eel

everybody knows

It's a terrible thing to be unappreciated. When you are the very glue that holds everyone around you together, you can't expect a thanks, praise or ice-cream. But sometimes it might help to remind your friends and family how integral you are to the structural integrity of their lives.
Ecard text: Everybody knows that without me you probably would have been eaten by leopards by now.

amorous puffin

Ecard text: I don't know if I could make you squeal like a pig but I could definitely manage 'squawk like an amorous puffin that has just had a near-death experience and needs to be held. And you can count on it, baby.

blaming mother

This card is from 2010, which goes to show you how long I've been aware of the vampire geese cover-up. What? You haven't heard of it? Let me show you something. If you ever mention something that others haven't heard of, say this phrase: "The mainstream media doesn't want you to know about _____!". In this case, 'Vampire Geese'. Seriously, how have I not been invited onto Fox News by now?
Ecard text: I dont blame you for anything, other than my inexplicable phobia of vampire geese.

squirrel conformity

People, January 21 is National Squirrel Appreciation Day in North America. Squirrels are going about under-appreciated, and it's a crying shame. I was twenty-four when I saw my first squirrel and never since that day have I been completely oblivious to them. Let us join together in support, and paranoia, of squirrels.
Ecard text: One easy way to 'blend in' is to never be overheard speculating about what the hell it is that the squirrels are secretly up to.

sheep are disappointing

Ecard text: No matter how lonely you get never turn to sheep. They are very disappointing, emotionally, even though they squirm nicely.

suspecting swine flu

"Oh I heard you have swine flu." "No, I did have a headache but -" "Yeah, sounds like Swine Flu. Stay away from me, man." "It's not --" "Hey back off! I don't need to die right now."
Ecard text: I suspect you have caught the Swine Flu and it's your fault because I warned you to wear a condom and you didn't listen.

responsible actions

Ecard text: If I should ever wander off into the fog in my mind, lose my way and never return, I want you to have my cat. Provided I havent eaten it by then or something.

all pandas

On Wednesdays I like to post a link to an older card and then spend the rest of my day campaigning for religious tolerance, particularly for all religions that correctly agree with my own views, unlike those other heretic religions that I hate and would burn to the ground if the law wasn't so restrictive.
Ecard text: I have my own religion and in that religion all pandas secretly hate you.

real men hunt zombies

On Wednesdays I like to post an older card and then spend the rest of the day writing strongly worded letters to the editors of major newspapers defending common sense and family values. If the government is keeping files on us all, then I'd prefer that they think that I am a complete lunatic.
Ecard text: Real men will hunt down zombies while armed only with a falcon.

one mouse at a time

Ecard text: My scientific experiments on dead mice have brought me tantalizingly close to conquering death !   ... Wait a sec ... Nope, false alarm. Still no progress, sorry.

crazy planet

Ecard text: Help i'm trapped on a crazy planet and the monkeys are in charge.

christmas zebra

Stare off into the distance. "You're almost as disappointing as Norman...".."Who is Norman, Ma?".."Norman was a disappointment. He wasn't a devoted son either. Wanted to run off and 'live his life', whatever that means. All his poor Mother asked for was a zebra. Police never found his body." "I'll bring you a zebra mom, I promise."..."You're a good boy. On your way home, pick me up a carton of cigarettes."
Ecard text: 'It's Christmas! And this year I would like a ZEBRA. Or I won't believe you care about me at all. PS. It has to be alive.'

if pooh bear

Today is re-hash Wednesday, which means I get to post an older card that I happen to like. Unless you have the need to intimidate an assortment of talking, literate farm animals, this card isn't going to be of much use to you. But, by George Orwell, who would want to do that?
Ecard text: on his first foray into the hundred acre wood, christopher robin shot a bear, two kangaroos, a piglet, a rabbit and a small tiger. but no heffalumps or woozles.the stories would have been much, much shorter if a.a.milne had been texan.

freaking myself out

Ecard text: I miss you and you should come home soon because i am really freaking myself out here.

white meat

Ecard text: 'as food prices rise, remember: there are alternative sources of white meat. And it's not as if they don't fantasize about eating us. Look - i'm just saying.'

the cow

On Wednesdays I like to post a link to an older card and then spend the rest of the day standing outside retirement communities wearing a Grim Reaper costume. Look, it's the only place I can go without surprising anyone.
Ecard text: 'the cow has given me my first mission. but i keep wondering: why would a sentient, pan-dimensional cow have such faith in a stoner like me, anyway?'

hanging out with dogs

Ecard text: it's not that i don't want to hang out with you, i'd just prefer to hang out with my dog

eaten your goldfish

Ecard text: i wouldn't have eaten your goldfish if i'd known you would get all boring and serious about it. But you should leave more food around the house.

sorry about the dead bat

Ecard text: i'm sorry i found a dead bat on the street and nailed it to your door. but in my defense, you DID provoke me.

traitors and pigs

Ecard text: im sorry i use the phrase knee deep in the blood of traitors and pigs a bit more often than would be considered socially acceptable