Wrongcards tagged: Animals
penguin with ice creamEver since 2003 ice cream has been a sad topic for me. You see, that year a girl asked to share my ice cream and unwittingly, I consented. I lost 46% of my bowl of ice cream that day. Tragedy - always lurking in the wings...
sexy octopusWell, I wrote a book and it turns out that everybody who knows me will only read it if I suggest THEY'RE in the book (narcissism is rampant these days. SAD!) So I just hint that they only turn up in this one very tasteful sex scene with an octopus, and off they go to buy my book! Works a charm. It's all nonsense - little kids could read my book - but the point is, wow I'm a marketing god.
christmas spiderPeople say they want a Christmas surprise, but here's the thing: DO THEY? DO THEY REALLY? I'm not angry but what is the point of you saying, 'I want it to be a surprise' if you're going to run around shrieking for an hour and then go stay at your Mother's until Thursday? And no it's not because I don't understand Christmas, I have an entire WEBSITE about it so technically I'm an expert so there.
silent killerRemember a few years back when everyone thought the world would end because some Mayans had predicted it, even though the Mayans didn't predict the conquistadors? Well, I knew that was going to happen. I prophesied it. The only thing stopping me from closing down Wrongcards and becoming a professional prophet is the obligation to grow facial hair. I'm afraid of mustaches.
christmas leopardThe problem with Christmas is that children are too confident about the whole thing. They're tottering around all cool and jaded, basically because you never taught them to fear Krampus the Christmas Demon. So thanks to your bad parenting kids don't believe in demons and now they're out of control! Well, don't worry - I can help you out. Sure, they don't believe in demons but you know something they do believe in? Leopards. You're welcome.
happy turtlesAnna Jarvis, the creator of Mothers Day, was so appalled by the commercialization of the holiday that she later protested it and organized boycotts. That's why our cards match the true, original spirit of Mother's Day - we never court mass appeal or pander to the market. Example: just look at the badly behaving turtles in this card. Wrongcards: principles before profit.
not rudolf please santaThe song 'I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus' offers a pretty sinister implication when you believe in Santa. When I was a little kid, thinking about this man carrying on with some kid's mum was pretty distressing. Sure, he's a notorious 'reverse burglar', but what's his deal with messing about with other kid's mums? It's understandable then that when other kids got better presents than me, it did kind of change my attitude towards their mothers. In unrelated news, for some reason I wasn't invited to Christmas parties as a child either.
rocky phaseLately a lot of people have been assuming I was dead. It's strange how a man can't paint himself a greenish hue and lay about near busy intersections without everyone making weird assumptions. Now you might think of vampires as a sort of sublimated necrophiliac rape fantasy but that doesn't make them any less creepy. Today's card contains an octopus. The mention of vampires was just randomness.
inflatable sheepSo I invented Rehash Wednesday years ago but the world stole my idea and made it #ThrowbackThursday to avoid having to pay me royalties. Which is fine because I am nice, even people who haven't met me say so all the time. Anyhow, I'm told there is a lot of yellow in this card but I haven't been able to see yellow since I got angry that one time and ate some lead pencils. I think this card is about sheep and morality.
optimismDon't listen to what some people say, everyone is an optimist. Everyone is being completely optimistic - they might as well embrace the reality. Whenever I turn on the television I stare at it for eight minutes, turn it off and then have to go lie down because civilisation is clearly coming to a sticky end. But then I'm up 15 minutes later because Fox News must not win. See? Optimism. In other news, I should be a motivational speaker.
gorillas in the midst'The fact that people write to thank me for making a truly useful ecard site has often given me pause for thought: what could I be doing wrong? Seems like too many of you are getting yourselves into some pretty weird situations. Today's card features a gorilla wearing a suit; if it seems relevant to your life then I have little choice but to throw my hands up in despair.'
badgeredI was hoping you guys would be cool this year and, in some unspoken way, universally recognize that Valentines Day is a lot of nonsense. I could have played video games today, guys; it could have been good. But no - here we are, I'm drawing badgers because some of you are dating people who believe in this stuff. I'm not angry with you. But let's see some progress next year ok?
elephantsAnniversaries are great. If you can keep someone from working out who you truly are for an entire year then you deserve a bit of a romantic celebration. Sadly it is becoming increasingly customary these days to spend your anniversary with your partner and not with prostitutes, but traditional values will come back into vogue, don't worry. Another war will see to that.
giraffesSometimes nice, well-meaning people will try and convince me that that lizards are not secretly running this entire planet. And privately I admit that this belief that primates rule the world is spooky and delusional but I don't SAY so, of course. I just smile and agree with them. The problem with people is that they lack a healthy skepticism. I blame the drugs that the lizards put in the water.
sheepI know many of you hope one day to find a special someone with an excellent credit history and maybe go in on a thirty-year fixed-rate mortgage together. I too am a romantic. But romance isn't just about money - there's a biological aspect to it too. If you don't send today's card to a potential co-mortgage signatory then you'll never have any offspring to fight about in court. I'm here to help.
pretending pinataI've always wanted to have a psychiatrist who lasts more than one session. But after my hour is up they tend to be anxious to refer me to someone else. Or they disappear, forcing me to break into their house and read their private correspondence in order to track them down. One guy is in a sanatorium in Geneva. I'm wearing that dude's slippers.
jackal headConsider that on Wednesdays I like to post older cards for the sake of nostalgia. In the rich tapestry that we call the human experience, the muddled moments of madness, forgetfulness and shoplifted puddings that sustain each of us, does it truly matter if today is Thursday? Thank you, your forgiveness is very dear to me.
i need you backPeople throw about the phrase 'a cry for help' pretty loosely in society these days - it's easy to get confused. I used to think wearing gumboots while not working in an agricultural capacity was a cry for help. See? If I can get confused, anyone can. Today's rehash Wednesday card is kind of a cry for help but trust me: for best results set a divan on fire.
chicken problemsOften my American co-workers ask me: 'who stole my keyboard?' And I just say to them: 'Why are you asking me? Is it Pick On The Australian Day? Ever heard of Cultural Sensitivity? Just because I'm a minority, descended from convicts, that automatically makes me a keyboard thief right?' After that, they apologize. And I give them back their keyboard.
easter psaI’m in San Francisco writing a script for a Canadian TV adaption of Breaking Bad. The story is set in Alberta. The lead character gets cancer, receives free government healthcare, makes a full recovery and lots of nice friends. I really tried to put a rabbit into the story but it kept touching balloon animals inappropriately. Rabbits. They're so wrong.,
beesWhenever a person tells me they are depressed I suggest they bake some muffins. I tell them research indicates that baking increases production of the monoamine neurotransmitter 5-hydroxytryptamine (serotonin). It's not true, I just like muffins. If bees were an ingredient in muffins then this post would be slightly less tangential.
badly calibratedOne of the things that makes apologizing so enjoyable is that people always believe me. Once I set fire to someone's couch and, even though I was doing them a huge favor (it had a floral print), things were tense until I said sorry. That's why it's childish not to say sorry. Next week I'm setting fire to their new couch because it's brown and I'll say sorry again. Maturity doesn't mean 'boring'.
extremely inexpensiveMost of my friends are not going to live through the impending Mayan Doomsday because they simply refuse to take my 'stop, drop and roll' drills seriously. So I'm accepting their impending deaths stoically in advance. I'm not that sad actually, possibly because I've been making sympathy cards to send to myself. Emotional intelligence makes life easier.
sacrificeI'm not American but I live in Boston and have learned some of your customs. I know that Thanksgiving is about men sitting about watching sport all day while women cook for them. I have to admit this barbaric cultural practice does offend my modern sensibilities but I guess it's just a tradition that predates our contemporary awareness that men are better cooks than women.
uncomfortableI’m a man who believes in the incredible power of the apology, especially when it comes to getting out of scrapes and evading repercussions. A bunch of people will see today’s card and think it somehow doesn’t apply to their lives. This is a rash and foolish notion and I predict that a good forty-four percent of you will send this card someday. And you know I'm right when I use statistics.
cat safetyI had a pretty normal childhood even though I was raised by my Nanna after my parents were kidnapped by lizard people. Nanna was in the underground before our side surrendered, and she had to live in 'psychic hiding' (constant inebriation) to avoid detection by mind scanners. So coming up with Mothers Day cards is, of course, a bit tricky. But what I like about this card is that it is reassuring.
disclaimerI believe that anyone can be rich, whether you're a teacher or a nurse, provided you work very, very hard in your job and your family got a head start in railways, oil fields or early 20th Century luxury hotels. But every rule should be issued with a disclaimer so here is mine. BTW - in case nobody has said it to you yet: Happy Tuesday!
everyone should dreamOn Wednesdays I always post an older card and then I spend the rest of the day giving up tea. I quaff my ninth and final cup at ten in the morning (the following three are for nostalgic purposes only). Around mid-afternoon I invariably down another final cup to fortify my resolve to quit. I'm only human; the last thing I want is for you to think I'm an addict when I'm merely an inspirational figure.
concessions to romanceLike a few dozen other men I have a bit of a romantic streak. Sometimes I buy myself lilies or I light scented candles and take long baths. Or I put on some hip-hop and have a bit of a cry for no reason at all. I'll get annoyed at my lady and not tell her why and just wash up loudly. Or not talk to her because of something she did in one of my dreams. Othertimes - I just make a wrongcard.
mauled by grizzly bearsOn Wednesdays I typically post an older card that you might not have seen, and then I spend the afternoon writing letters to the International Olympic Committee demanding they introduce Competitive Humming into the London Olympics. It won't work, but at least the person who opens their mail will have a really weird day.
sometimes i see thingsOn Wednesdays I like to post an older card and then spend the rest of the day going off topic. Today I'm in the Netherlands. The Dutch are a handsome people who, somewhat regrettably, like to speak gibberish. But today's card has nothing to do with Holland - what did you expect?
unwelcome followerIf I were a famous individual my name would be prefixed with the phrase 'The Famous Recluse'. I know that sounds grandiose but I don't see any point in being a humble recluse. So anyway I like to provide excuses to recluses. Example: today's card. If you want an unbelievable life, stop being believable right now, I say.
nihilist catOn Wednesdays I like to post an older card and then spend the rest of the day trying to convince a single individual that I am some kind of imaginary friend that only they can see.
evidenceI never like to hear people arguing about religion because that means they're not sitting there listening attentively to me. Everyone has a different approach to religious debate. Mine is to scream: That Is Anathema! until everyone leaves. I guess it's important to win.
moral vacuumIt's re-hash Wednesday, and normally I'd like to touch upon the Great Themes of Western Philosophy but sadly the whole Western canon was recently patented by Apple. So here is a picture of some very happy rabbits.
supermarket wolfI've given it some thought and decided that you all deserve a toasted cheese sandwich. Is this some kind of Wrongcards give-away? I'm afraid not. I cannot yet be everywhere because I am not yet a god. You'll have to make your own sandwich but my point here is that you deserve it. Logic is my superpower.
occasional improprietiesToday is re-hash Wednesday, so I get to post an older card that I happen to like. This one has a picture of a duck. It also promotes empathy, which I read is one of the great themes of art and literature. Empathy, a heightened sensibility to the rich tapestry that is the human experience, and ducks. It's all there, see.
phalanxThe week is winding down and you survived. Yes, you survived the strange and the unexpected. And, celebrating this triumph, today's wrongcard reminds us all to remain ever vigilant. Remember, if you stay paranoid, you'll stay alive. For a while anyway. Happy Friday to you all!
disregard bisonA new workplace card is long overdue. When I sat down to create one today my mind turned naturally and predictably to the large, even-toed ungulates within the subfamily Bovinae, or bison. Please don't attempt to connect the dots - the association makes vivid sense provided it is not subjected to careful analysis.
hanukkah duckIt's Hanukkah, a time when Jews around the world get together to celebrate Jesus' birthday. I understand they also burn candles, called midichlorians, or a mandalorians, or something like that, and eat lots of Chinese food. I know Jesus really tried to improve Judaism, but removing Chinese food from Christmas seems like a mistake to me. I guess Jesus was just a fussy eater.
effective lessonIn my tireless campaign to teach responsible parenting I do occasionally take a mistep. But this is only because I lack any real experience in child-raising. I don't know if today's card is a mistep but I do think that it is, at the very least, true. And you can't fault a person for being right, can you?
kindness towards llamasEverybody knows that llamas are the second-class citizens of the horse world. I think they're awesome and a bit better than alpacas. Alpacas kind of have a shifty look about them. They're both okay I guess but in a tight-spot I'd rather have a llama with me than an alpaca. I don't know why but my instincts are usually pretty good about this stuff.
probably really like youThe thing about eels is that they really are impossible to feel neutral about. You might think you like them a lot, say, when you're eating them in a Japanese restaurant. But face to face with them in an ocean, you will have one just thought: that thing is so ugly it is practically anathema.
everybody knowsIt's a terrible thing to be unappreciated. When you are the very glue that holds everyone around you together, you can't expect a thanks, praise or ice-cream. But sometimes it might help to remind your friends and family how integral you are to the structural integrity of their lives.
squirrel conformityPeople, January 21 is National Squirrel Appreciation Day in North America. Squirrels are going about under-appreciated, and it's a crying shame. I was twenty-four when I saw my first squirrel and never since that day have I been completely oblivious to them. Let us join together in support, and paranoia, of squirrels.
all pandasOn Wednesdays I like to post a link to an older card and then spend the rest of my day campaigning for religious tolerance, particularly for all religions that correctly agree with my own views, unlike those other heretic religions that I hate and would burn to the ground if the law wasn't so restrictive.
real men hunt zombiesOn Wednesdays I like to post an older card and then spend the rest of the day writing strongly worded letters to the editors of major newspapers defending common sense and family values. If the government is keeping files on us all, then I'd prefer that they think that I am a complete lunatic.
christmas zebraStare off into the distance. "You're almost as disappointing as Norman...".."Who is Norman, Ma?".."Norman was a disappointment. He wasn't a devoted son either. Wanted to run off and 'live his life', whatever that means. All his poor Mother asked for was a zebra. Police never found his body." "I'll bring you a zebra mom, I promise."..."You're a good boy. On your way home, pick me up a carton of cigarettes."
if pooh bearToday is re-hash Wednesday, which means I get to post an older card that I happen to like. Unless you have the need to intimidate an assortment of talking, literate farm animals, this card isn't going to be of much use to you. But, by George Orwell, who would want to do that?
the cowOn Wednesdays I like to post a link to an older card and then spend the rest of the day standing outside retirement communities wearing a Grim Reaper costume. Look, it's the only place I can go without surprising anyone.
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