or much too much

Baby Shower Thank You Cards Ecard with text: Am relieved to hear you are pregnant and not merely eating too much cake. — about this card:
or much too much | Earlier this week I was in a pillow-fight at a party and for some perverse reason I was being targeted by everyone, and this two-year old child came wandering past in diapers so I picked him up by the leg and used him as a human shield. Then I got a talking-to for most of an hour. I had no idea people get so emotional about human shields. Today's card is something I said that night.

spiders are sensitive

Birthday Ecard with text: Be careful when you are cutting your birthday cake in case in contains a nest of spiders. Lunging at spiders with a knife might make them misinterpret the situation. — about this card:
spiders are sensitive | It's someone's birthday today, maybe not yours or mine but it's someone's; it's commonsense. I know lots about people and most of what I know about people I learned from spiders. Though wasps, when you think about it, are a kind of winged spider. Spiders don't hum like wasps, they just whistle. Nobody really knows why.

cake

Apology Ecard with text: I will forgive you for not making me a better person if you make cake. — about this card:
cake | I'm a good boy: I visit Mother once every three years whether I want to or not, though I tend not to call her on Mothers Day in case she starts to get uppish. I'm a firm believer in doing nice things for Mother so I will probably remember to send her this card this year.

your alleged cake

Birthday Ecard with text: It's your birthday! They give you a cake. And then a crowd of people help themselves to a slice. And everybody congratulates you while they eat your alleged cake. They eat it all up in front of you and you only get one slice, maybe two. — about this card:
your alleged cake | It may not be your birthday today but I made each and every one of you this birthday card anyway. Just in case. Oh shush, it was nothing.

eat your spit day

Birthday Ecard with text: We light candles on top of a slightly stale sponge cake and everybody cheerlessly sings a song. Then you make a wish, blow out the candles/spit all over the cake and then we have to eat it and say how much we like it and YAY!

solitary moment

Birthday Ecard with text: a birthday is just a solitary moment in time during a long plummet down into a void of uncertainty. but you get to eat cake!

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