Tagged as #cia.


terror suspect

When the doctor told me about Messianic Personality Disorder I held up my finger and said 'to define is to limit'. And I thanked him for naming a disorder after me and that I would regard it as a lifetime achievement award. He then said it wasn't named after me, which I suppose means I don't have it. Psychiatry is still just a theory I guess.
Ecard text: The world's most powerful government has has designated you as both a terror target and a terror suspect. This means you do not have the right to utter the phrase 'i am bored' ever again.

redacted

I guess I was born to cheer people up. When someone is sad I remind them that they could die at any moment, perhaps at the hand of a someone they know, who pays for axes with cash, and is, moreover, familiar with the floor plan of their house. God clearly wants us all to be happy, so am I an act of God? I don't know, the Vatican is still ignoring my letters. Nice bureaucracy, guys.
Ecard text: Cheer up. God might not be listening to you but the CIA always is.

elf

I watch Bill O'Reilly so I know that the widespread lack of belief in Santa can be explained as a plot against Christmas by liberal elites. Sometimes I'm not certain though. I tortured this elf in my bedroom for more information, and I'm very good at that, but so far he's given up nothing. I feel like I've failed all of you.
Ecard text: It is an increasingly common practice to put an elf doll in children's bedrooms. A supernatural doll that gathers data on their ethical performance. Former Russian KGB officers are probably kicking themselves.

if ever asked

Ecard text: if ever asked, you believe the government only listens in on us for our own benefit. try and appear interested only in fashion and cosmetics. remember, always act as if nothing is wrong.

investigations confirmed

On Wednesdays I post a link to an older card and then spend the rest of my day working as a volunteer on a street corner, raising awareness about how annoying people can be when they stand on the street corners raising awareness about things. Happy Wednesday!
Ecard text: my investigations have concluded that barbie doesn't work for al qaeda