Tagged as #crime.


always remember

Christmas is a time for families. I was raised by my Nanna but she's dead now, though she still appears occasionally in my kitchen at odd hours of the night to howl and gesture menacingly at me. No idea what that's about. At Christmas we would decorate her pet lizards and hook them up to car-batteries to make them dance for us. It was so much fun to be a kid! No idea why I grew up really.
Ecard text: 'Merry Christmas, and always remember: you can celebrate Christmas all year round if you know how to shoplift.'

mistakenly implicated

Ecard text: I was sorry to hear about your loss and hope that there is no possible way that you can be mistakenly implicated.

unattended forklifts

Ecard text: 'I am sorry that unattended forklifts  have invisible sign with the words: steal me written on them that only I can see.'

stealing helicopters

On Wednesdays I like to post an older card and then spend the rest of the day working as a volunteer at a telemarketing company. I'm surreptitiously turning the place into a preemptive suicide hot-line. Everyone I call is pretty confused, of course, but I guess I just believe in changing institutions from within.
Ecard text: People would not suffer from depression if they knew how to steal helicopters.

accepting me

Ecard text: Thank you for tacitly accepting me for who I am without calling the authorities.

invite the natives

Ecard text: Happy Thanksgiving! Lets invite some native Americans over for dinner. We can steal their land while they eat.

halloween decorations

Ecard text: Decorating a front lawn with the rotting fruits of a late-night grave robbery is a felony. But sometimes, an authentic Halloween requires that we go that extra mile.

prepare your children

Ecard text: prepare your children for their real economic future. teach them how to pick pockets.

i promise to reform

Ecard text: happy mother's day, ma - as always i promise to reform and be good from now on. ha - so not gonna happen.

free lunch

Ecard text: they say there is no such thing as a free lunch. it just goes to show how some people have no idea how to steal shit.