Tagged as #death.


misheard

'I have a theory. Have you ever vomited and thought: "My God, there's tiny bits of carrots in it. Look at 'em all. Wait, I didn't eat carrots. When's the last time I ate carrots? I need to eat more carrots." Anyway I have a theory. Your appendix? It produces tiny pieces of carrot for when you throw up. That's my theory. (I never said it was a good theory).'
Ecard text: I was sorry to hear that you had died, and am sending you this ecard on the chance that I simply misheard.

leaving your body

What time is it? Today's rehash Wednesday card is here, but I am in Spain, and it's sunset now but the clock says it's 10pm. That can't be right, can it? Also it feels like a Tuesday. The claw-hammer of jetlag is offering mixed opinions. Who invented jetlag? The Wright Brothers. Those guys are overrated. Screw you Wright Brothers I'm eating breakfast.
Ecard text: Don't leave your body to science, leave it to me. Necromancers aren't just born, you know. It all takes practice.

birthday heart

If you know someone who is having a birthday right now you have to send them today's wrongcard. Because it's, like, Providence or something that this card should appear in your life and you have to do it. To ignore Providence is like ignoring God. And we don't do that, okay, because there will be floods and I'll have to build an Ark. If I build an Ark I'm not inviting any bears on-board. Screw that.
Ecard text: Happy Birthday. And remember: heart disease kills about one in every four people.

mauled by grizzly bears

On Wednesdays I typically post an older card that you might not have seen, and then I spend the afternoon writing letters to the International Olympic Committee demanding they introduce Competitive Humming into the London Olympics. It won't work, but at least the person who opens their mail will have a really weird day.
Ecard text: This year you have not been mauled to death by pissed off Grizzly Bears. Clearly whatever you are doing to keep Grizzly Bears at Bay is working.

unsuspicious

The solitary purpose of an Excuses Card is to extricate you from a social obligation. Just send a wrongcard and let me tell lies on your behalf. See? Your conscience is clear. And my conscience? I don't have one yet but I promise that a conscience is the first thing I'm going to buy when I'm rich.
Ecard text: Sorry I cannot attend your party but somebody died, I have to attend their funeral,police are describing the death as unsuspicious so anyway: I can't go.

experimentation purposes

Sometimes people worry about death. But more often people worry about their earthly remains and whether a close personal friend might be planning to disinter their bodies for one reason or another. So I made a card that you can send along as a reassurance.
Ecard text: I want to assure you that, in the event of your untimely death, I would disturb your earthly remains for experimentation purposes only.

life goes on

Ecard text: Sorry to hear about your tragic loss but just remember that life goes on. (For some of us.)

life affirming

Ecard text: Im sorry that death is such a buzz kill and that Ive been thinking more about breasts than your tragic loss. I just find them very life-affirming. See? Life-affirming.

forty three percent

Ecard text: 43% of marriages end in divorce. The rest end in death. But good luck with this project.

heath ledger

Ecard text: If heath ledger taught us anything, it is that we need to stop buying drugs from mary-kate olsen.

a quick reminder ...

Ecard text: a quick reminder - one day we all have to die! Hold it in your mind for a moment. Now back to the fun!