'I have a theory. Have you ever vomited and thought: "My God, there's tiny bits of carrots in it. Look at 'em all. Wait, I didn't eat carrots. When's the last time I ate carrots? I need to eat more carrots." Anyway I have a theory. Your appendix? It produces tiny pieces of carrot for when you throw up. That's my theory. (I never said it was a good theory).'
What time is it? Today's rehash Wednesday card is here, but I am in Spain, and it's sunset now but the clock says it's 10pm. That can't be right, can it? Also it feels like a Tuesday. The claw-hammer of jetlag is offering mixed opinions. Who invented jetlag? The Wright Brothers. Those guys are overrated. Screw you Wright Brothers I'm eating breakfast.
If you know someone who is having a birthday right now you have to send them today's wrongcard. Because it's, like, Providence or something that this card should appear in your life and you have to do it. To ignore Providence is like ignoring God. And we don't do that, okay, because there will be floods and I'll have to build an Ark. If I build an Ark I'm not inviting any bears on-board. Screw that.
On Wednesdays I typically post an older card that you might not have seen, and then I spend the afternoon writing letters to the International Olympic Committee demanding they introduce Competitive Humming into the London Olympics. It won't work, but at least the person who opens their mail will have a really weird day.
The solitary purpose of an Excuses Card is to extricate you from a social obligation. Just send a wrongcard and let me tell lies on your behalf. See? Your conscience is clear. And my conscience? I don't have one yet but I promise that a conscience is the first thing I'm going to buy when I'm rich.
Sometimes people worry about death. But more often people worry about their earthly remains and whether a close personal friend might be planning to disinter their bodies for one reason or another. So I made a card that you can send along as a reassurance.