I never watched Brokeback Mountain. I don't like westerns I guess. A friend tried to tell me that movie was gay, so I stopped talking to him: I won't tolerate the use of inappropriate language around me. It's a stupid criticism too. I mean, just because someone wears a cowboy hat doesn't make them gay. Anyway, today's card is for those of you bedeviled by authenticity. I love you guys, you know?
Sometimes I cover my face, pretend to be upset, and say to people, 'I've been having some emotional problems lately' which is my way of saying: 'soon you're going to find the roadkill that I've hidden under your bed. I hope we will still be friends'. Friendships; they take work. Today's rehash Wednesday card is for saying sorry. See? I'm your friend.
I’m aware I have had certain advantages in life. Not every boy gets to grow up knowing his dad was both an astronaut AND an arctic explorer. My grandmother says it’s a pity my dad had to go into hiding when the lizard people from Rigel VI surreptitiously took control of all the world’s major governments, because I’d have really liked him.
Today's card is a Cheer Up card, which can be sent to people who are being depressing. Typically that means they have some sort of problem or a bad thing has happened. My point? When someone's life stops being about blue skies, short skirts and ice cream, we send this card. I know, right? Where were you guys before you found me?
Whenever I apologize for something I focus on getting the details right. If you get the details wrong then it might sound insincere or as though you are thinking about something else. Sometimes I can't remember the details so I like to keep apologies very general and vague. Today's card, for example.
Over my Christmas vacation (which is ending, by the way, roughly now-ish) I thought about becoming a better person. Less difficult, more civilized and all that nonsense. But ultimately I decided it probably wasn't worth the effort and that self-improvement is really about Better Excuses and Alibis. Here is the first Wrongcard for 2011.
You know when a villain ties a person to the railway tracks and sends a letter to the hero saying 'you better get down here or your friend is going to get run over ha ha etcetera?' I don't know if this has happened to me because I tend not to open correspondence. I just forget. Missing the requisite gene I suppose. Here's an ecard for people like me.
Sometimes we have to apologize. Sometimes, even when any impartial, highly-educated expert would firmly agree that you are right and the other person is sadly bereft of facts and utterly adrift in a sea of confusion, we have to apologize. This card is for those moments.
I'm sure that none of you has ever needed to apologize to anyone for anything ... but if it ever becomes necessary to PRETEND to be sorry about something (because someone is being boring and serious about it) then this card will surely help.