Tagged as #fire.


life can be so sad

Sometimes I play this videogame called The Sims and the little people keep having emotional breakdowns and wind up defecating in their neighbor's kitchens at 3am, or entering other Sim's bedrooms to watch them make-out while they daydream about nachos. God is playing 7 billion games of The Sims. Man, that sure is a lot of thoughts about nachos.
Ecard text: You think you have problems. My Sims are trapped inside a burning house and someone has bricked up the doors. Life can be so sad.

badly calibrated

One of the things that makes apologizing so enjoyable is that people always believe me. Once I set fire to someone's couch and, even though I was doing them a huge favor (it had a floral print), things were tense until I said sorry. That's why it's childish not to say sorry. Next week I'm setting fire to their new couch because it's brown and I'll say sorry again. Maturity doesn't mean 'boring'.
Ecard text: I'm sorry that our reality is sometimes just badly calibrated.

god of fire

Sometimes I like to re-evaluate myself as an individual and, when I do, I like to give myself 10 out of 10 for self-critical-ness. I'm a simple guy who always tells the truth except if I don't feel like it or get carried away, which is pretty rare but it does happen when I'm at George Clooney's place. I'm not his coolest friend but he's like, 'Kris - you're in my top three'. So that's why I'm happy today.
Ecard text: Thank God it's Friday and nobody's desk mysteriously caught fire.

proof

I'm ignoring our re-hash Wednesday tradition and posting a new card today because, well, I have the power to do so and because I am the boss. Being a boss is like being a king except instead of bringing you courtesans they bring you tea. Today's card is about Mother's Day. I'm sorry I mentioned courtesans before. Sometimes I say things that are a little bit inappropriate. It's a bit of a secret.
Ecard text: Happy Mothers Day. There is no greater proof of my affection for you than the fact that I never set fire to a rival sibling, no matter how funny it would have been.

fire safety

Today's wrongcard offers a workplace survival tip. BTW if you are ever subjected to a Human Resources meeting about fire safety awareness you should interrupt occasionally with remarks like: "But you have to admit that fire is incredibly beautiful" and "But you'll agree nothing purifies quite like fire." It helps pass the time.
Ecard text: In the Event of Fire, panic.

nobody ever listens

Ecard text: Im always right but no one ever listens but i don't care and basically they should all burn.

when i need cheering up

Ecard text: When i need cheering up, i just try to imagine everything and everyone around me on fire. try it - you'll feel a whole lot better.

this place is gonna burn

Ecard text: this place is going to burn to the ground one night when i just happen to have an airtight alibi.