When it comes to quarrels with friends, I believe in 'agreeing to disagree', particularly now I've been made to understand that Massachusetts has some really strict rules about attaching car batteries to people's ears. You know, I really need a legal team, and not some thin-skinned intern who drops out of law school and flees the state after the tiniest bit of harmless workplace electrocution.
I was not, as I mentioned once in a wrongcard, put on Earth to help people feel good about being wrong. But who am I, really? Just your average guy, really, just a regular boy who happens to have an invisible blood-soaked hammer of logic welded to his right hand. I like girls and nutmeg cake. I collect wasps, and destroy traitors and hypocrites with my mind. I'm not complicated.
'I have a theory. Have you ever vomited and thought: "My God, there's tiny bits of carrots in it. Look at 'em all. Wait, I didn't eat carrots. When's the last time I ate carrots? I need to eat more carrots." Anyway I have a theory. Your appendix? It produces tiny pieces of carrot for when you throw up. That's my theory. (I never said it was a good theory).'
I'm not a contentious person because everyone always ends up agreeing with me - at least eventually. Here at Wrongcards I like to stick to safe topics like religion, which reminds me of why I called the site 'wrongcards' in the first place: because I'm right about stuff and people are wrong, though they'll get there eventually which is why I like everyone. Also God told me to call it that.
Whenever people say to me "I don't like to discuss politics" I always assume they're just being polite about being politically clueless and inviting me to instruct them on what to believe. This would probably be an unsound approach if I wasn't really good at understanding the universal truths of the world. I'm also good at understanding social-cues, puzzles and collecting wasps in jars.
I was raised in a trailer by my grandma, a wonderful, wise old bird who sold cat pelts to tourists to fund her collection of human teeth. When she wasn't passed out drunk on kerosene, she was doing everything humanly possible to provide me with a normal childhood, including carefully negotiated contracts with witch doctors. This card is for those who weren't as lucky as me.
I was standing in the library taking photos when this librarian came up and told me to stop. "You can't take photos in the library," he said. Later, when I was looking at the photo I took of him, I decided to draw him as a zombie. It's a sad future when even librarians might be one day be zombies.
It's a terrible thing to be unappreciated. When you are the very glue that holds everyone around you together, you can't expect a thanks, praise or ice-cream. But sometimes it might help to remind your friends and family how integral you are to the structural integrity of their lives.
It may not be your birthday today but I made each and every one of you this birthday card anyway. Just in case. Oh shush, it was nothing.